


Something That Matters

by Thenerdintheattic



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional violence, Family, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Love, M/M, Marriage, Minor characters' backstory, Past Domestic Violence, Pre episode, Science, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence, Wedding, chosen family, not a slow burn, parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:07:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 22,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23202214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thenerdintheattic/pseuds/Thenerdintheattic
Summary: Jake Willis and Adam Lang have nothing in common. One is a cop, the other is a doctoral student. One doesn't do emotions, the other is full of them. But as they learn to know and understand each other, they realise they both strive for the same thing: do something that matters.Based on Praxeus.
Relationships: Adam Lang/Jake Willis
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	1. After Praxeus

**Prologue : After Praxeus**

The wave crashes at his feet, almost licking his toes. The scenery is breathtaking, the air is warm and the sun is slowly setting on the Indian Ocean. He should be awed but it’s difficult to forget all that’s been happening in the last few days. He looks at his hands, looking for any sign of the virus but there is nothing. It’s like Praxeus was never there, like he didn’t almost die. He knows it’s all true, though, otherwise, how would he be marooned on Madagascar with Jake and a Brazilian vlogger?

Adam has very few memories of being taken captive and experimented on by Suki and her crew. The Doctor has said it’s normal -a side effect of the disease- and that he will be able to start his life again, normally. The worst thing is, he doesn’t know the Doctor. He cannot even begin to comprehend who or what she is but when he closes his eyes, when the fear of dying comes back, he sees her face in his mind. He doesn’t know how or why it’s always her he sees but she’s a comforting vision. She’s wrong, though. He cannot start his life again. Nothing is going to be the same. And maybe, that’s not so bad.

He hears someone come behind him. He doesn’t need to turn around to know that it’s Jake. He feels him sit in the sand next to him and they remain silent for a long time, only listening to the ocean and the birds, high above them. Adam still finds them extremely creepy but he tries his best not to show it. Praxeus is dead.

“Gabriela is asleep in Suki’s cabin. I think the rush of adrenaline is wearing down.”

“You would know about rushes of adrenaline.”

Jake chuckles. He has helped Gabriela tidy the mess in Suki’s lab, so at least they have a shelter to spend the night.

“She agreed to let us have our honeymoon if you give her an exclusive interview for her blog or whatever. Apparently, going to space is the ultimate travel.”

Adam takes Jake’s hand. It’s warm and a bit sweaty. He remembers doing the same in the Doctor’s box before Jake had tried to play the hero by sacrificing himself for humanity. When the Doctor had saved him, in the nick of time, Adam had wanted to hit him for scaring him like that. Instead, his first reaction upon seeing him again had been to kiss him, with no regard for the hard work he’d done on himself in the last few months. Giving up on Jake, again, had been the hardest thing he’d had to do and after that trying to find the enthusiasm to work in the ISS, to live his dream, had been spoiled. He’s mad at his husband for that. But he also knows that some things are more important than others. Jake is at the top of his priorities. There’s nothing he can do about that.

“What did you do that for?” he asks.

“Did what?”

“Sacrifice yourself.”

Jake doesn’t answer straight away. He looks far ahead, his brow furrowed, his lips thin and white.

“I thought you’d understand.”

“You said you needed to do this. Wh … oh.”

It all becomes clear to Adam. Jake didn’t do it for him or to make himself forgiven, not only. He looks at his husband with a devilish smile, the kind of smile that would have made Adam go completely bonkers once upon a time.

“You needed to do something that matters.”

“Yeah.”

“You saved the world. It’ll be hard to top.”

“Wanna bet?”

Adam pouts and looks away. He’s not sure he can take any more of his husband’s bets, not if it is at the risk of his life. But he remembers that Jake is a cop, or used to be at least, and that the possibility of losing him has always been part of the deal. He’s made his peace with that a long time ago. He’s not so sure Jake’s done the same.

The sun has disappeared into the ocean. The sky is beautiful and he never wants to take his eyes away from it. Yet, he looks at Jake and smiles softly.

“Always.”

They lie down in the sand, fingers intertwined, and Adam can still not quite believe it. After all he’s been through, after crashing down to Earth, after Praxeus, after the Doctor and her magical box, there he is on a Madagascan beach with Jake. It couldn’t be more abroad and it makes him laugh. When Jake asks why, he doesn’t answer. Instead, he closes his eyes and remembers.

Where it has all started.


	2. The strange case of Gustav Arthur

**PART I - The Man Who’d Lost Himself**

**Chapter 1: The strange case of Gustav Arthur**

_Why won't you leave me?_

_Chris around me. Chris inside me. Chris next to me. Chris outside the door. Chris crying in the bedroom. Chris laughing in the kitchen. Chris sleeping against me. Chris banging on my door._

_No, not Chris._

“Police !”

Adam woke up. The last remnants of his dream washed away but the loud pounding remained. He sat up, realising he had fallen asleep on his chair, head pressed against the keyboard of his computer and that his thesis had turned into pages of continuous jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj. He swore under his breath but before he had the chance to fix it, more banging distracted him.

“Police ! Open up!”

He got up, slightly panicking. He couldn't remember anything he'd done to deserve such a visit but he still didn't like the interruption. As he approached the front door, though, he noticed that the police wasn't knocking at his door. He hesitated a minute, his curiosity finally getting the best of his urge to fix his thesis, and opened the door to see what all this commotion was about.

Three men were in the corridor : two wore police uniforms, the other, the one who was doing all the banging, was in plain clothes. They all looked at him when he passed his head through the doorway, a confused wrinkle between his eyes. The cop in plain clothes seemed to forget all about the door and focused all his attention on him.

“Do you know if anyone's home?” he said, pointing at the closed door.

“No one is, obviously,” Adam answered without even thinking and was forever grateful when the cop's only reaction to his attempt at being smart was a slight eye roll. “Can I help you?” he added to give himself a countenance.

The cop came closer to him which was a big mistake because it allowed Adam to notice that perfect jawline and he already knew it was going to haunt him for days. Damn his lust for men with beautifully squared face. He tried his best not to stare and looked up at the man's eyes. He noticed the amusement in those eyes but before he had the time to ponder on that, the cop was staring at him with more intensity that Adam had ever experienced.

“DC Willis. We'd like to have a chat with Gustav Arthur.”

Why on Earth would the police want to bother such a nice old man was beyond Adam but he kept these thoughts to himself.

“I don't think he's home. Don't think he's been for days to be honest.”

“Do you know where he might be?”

Adam wanted to bury his hands in his Jeans pockets, just because he couldn’t stand there and do nothing, but he only managed to put his fingertips in which, in his opinion looked a tad ridiculous. He shifted from one feet to another and decided to cross his arms instead and realised Detective Jawline was still waiting for an answer. He decided to shake his head in answer - his relationship with the guy was restricted to “hi” and “have a nice day”, how was he supposed to know anything ?

“Can you tell me your name, sir?”

Detective Jawline took a notepad out of his trousers pocket, pen at the ready, while Adam was briefly wondering if he was straight. Probably.

“Adam. Adam Lang.”

“Adam Lang,” the cop repeated. “How long have you known Mister Arthur?”

Again, he didn’t know him. But he decided it was wiser to keep this comment to himself.

“Dunno. Four months. Ish.”

“Right. And have you noticed any change in behaviour in the last months? New visitors maybe?”

“No, nothing like that.”

Detective Jawline looked somewhat disappointed. He shared a quick look with the two men in uniform.

“One last thing : do you know if anyone happens to have the keys to Mister Arthur's apartment?”

“The landlord. He keeps a set of keys for all the flats here.”

The cop nodded appreciatively and wrote down the address and contact number that Adam gave him. Then he put his notepad back in his pocket and gave Adam a faint, fake-looking smile.

“Thank you Mister Lang. We'll be in touch if we have more questions.”

When they were gone, Adam was left with a very strange feeling. He was probably imagining things, but the way Detective Jawline had stared at him wasn’t how he expected cops to look at people. It hadn’t made him feel uncomfortable or anything like that, it was just unusual. And the way Detective Jawline had kept biting his lips had given Adam the impression he was trying not to laugh at him.

He went to the bathroom, growing more and more anxious with every steps. He had to check that he didn’t have anything on his face because that’s exactly how it had felt, now that he was thinking about it. He switched on the lights of the bathroom and looked at his reflection in the mirror, only to discover that he had half his keyboard imprinted on his right cheek.

“Nooooooo !”

He instinctively tried to wipe his face out with his hands before giving up, definitely hoping that Detective Jawline wasn't gay because even if he were, he'd have no chance with him now. Adam smiled. That was the first time in four months that he was thinking about a man that wasn't Chris.

***

Adam hated food shopping. He hated even the notion of food shopping. In fact, he was a firm believer in buying his groceries as he needed them, not days in advance because when the fridge was so full nothing else could get inside, he would sometimes get panic attacks deciding what to eat. Should he choose what had the shortest expiration date ? What about what he actually wanted to eat ? And what if what he was craving had a longer expiration date than those weird yoghurts Marcus forced him to buy every time?

Adam had reached that point in his complaining when he suddenly stopped. Marcus, his roomate, who was painfully climbing the last few steps behind him, grunted and almost let one of his grocery bags fall.

“Oi! Don't stop in the middle like that!”

Adam didn't listen. He thought he had heard a voice from around the corner, where their flat was, and really hoped he was mistaken. He couldn't bear the embarrassment again. Marcus pushed passed him, which seemed to wake Adam from his slumber. He whispered : “Wait.”

At this point, he actually wanted to hold his roommate back but he had no hands left and was starting to remember that those damn bags were heavy as hell. He put them on the floor and asked Marcus to do the same with a movement of his head.

“I think it's him.”

Voices were now echoing round the corner. Two men, if Adam wasn't mistaken, but he couldn't make out what they were saying exactly.

“Who?”

“The cop. Detective Jawline !”

Marcus' face broke into a huge grin, revealing freakishly white teeth, and he charged forwards, half laughing. Adam caught him by the sleeve to stop him. “I don't wanna see him.”

“No but I do. I wanna see what all the fuss is about.”

With that, he was turning around the corner and Adam had no choice but collect his bags and follow him. As he had feared, it was Detective Jawline and one of his uniformed pals. They must have gotten the key from the landlord because the door to Mister Arthur's flat was wide open and the two men were inside. Adam started to relax. They could actually make it back to their place unseen if they proceeded quietly and hurried back inside. That could definitely work.

Evidently, Adam hadn’t taken Marcus’ goofing around into account and now, his roommate was loudly knocking at the already opened door. “Good afternoon gentlemen !”

Before Adam had the time to strategically retreat, the two policemen were looking at them. Worse, Detective Jawline was coming to them and Adam could definitely see a light of recognition in his eyes and a faint smile on his lips when he saw him.

“Hi. Mister Lang, right?” Adam nodded. “And you are?”

“Marcus Nguye. My roommate told me you were looking for Mister Arthur. Is he alright?”

“I can't tell you anything about that. But I'll give you my number, please make sure to give me a call if you see him or notice anything unusual.”

He scrambled something on his notepad, tore a piece down and handed it to Adam who had to put down his grocery bags in order to take it. He looked at the elegant writing. DC Willis. Still no first name. He tucked it in his pocket, thanked Detective Jawline and his colleague, picked up his bags and followed Marcus inside.

“You're right. He's hot.”

Adam rolled his eyes and proceeded to start tidying. “I never said he was hot. I said he had a great jawline.”

“Well then I say it. He's hot. I'm not even gay but I would gladly let him do me.”

Adam smiled. He had to admit that if he weren't attractive (which he was), he was at least handsome. He hadn't told Marcus that he hadn't thought about Chris since he'd met Detective Jawline and now that he thought about it, he didn’t think he ever would.

“Hold your horses mate. Who tells you I'm even interested?”

“You ! It's time to move on.”

“I don't even know if he's gay.”

Adam folded one empty bag and proceeded to the next. Maybe Marcus was right. Maybe it was time to move on. Even if it wasn't with Detective Jawline, he had waited long enough.

“What does your gaydar thingy says?”

“It's not an exact science. First time I met you, I thought you were gay.”

Marcus roared with laughter and just like every time he was laughing, Adam couldn't help at least a smile.

“But I think he could be. Maybe.”

“Then ask him out. You have his number.”

“His work number !”

Marcus shrugged as if to say “so what?” but Adam was adamant on not calling Detective Jawline to ask him out. Maybe if he saw him again … Maybe he could find the courage … But not on his work line.

“Which he gave to you,” Marcus pointed out. “Not to me.”

“Only because I look saner than you.”

The ‘keyboard imprinted on the cheek’ incident came back to his mind after he'd spoken and Adam bit his tongue, remembering, once again too late, to think before letting anything come out of his mouth. As expected, Marcus teased him on that and Adam succeeded in maintaining his composure by pretending to be very interested in figuring out how to make all their groceries fit into the fridge. Which soon became a real problem anyway. Marcus always bought things in advance, just in case, he said (but really who needed to have five toothpastes crammed in their already small bathroom along with the ten shower gels?), but Adam suspected he had a real condition. He was mental, that was as simple as that. And why was Adam always the one doing the tidying when Marcus had bought most of this stuff anyway?

“Seriously though,” Marcus said, “you're the one who's been talking non stop about this guy in the last two days.”

That wasn't true. Adam had obviously mentioned him (and his jawline) when he had told his roommate about Mister Arthur. He had maybe talked about him once or twice after that … and thought about him almost constantly. Oh Lord, he was obsessed with the man who would maybe or maybe not arrest his neighbour. He felt himself blush and shoved his head inside the fridge, pretending to be tidying, which he hadn't done for the last thirty seconds. The cold felt good on his burning cheeks.

He hadn't felt this way for a while. He'd been with Chris a long time, never allowing himself to even look at other guys. And now that he was finally realising that, yes he was allowed to meet someone else, he had to go and crush hard on a guy that was probably straight and that he'd met twice for the total amount of five minutes. Maybe even less. But it felt good nonetheless. He'd forgotten about this sensation in his stomach, the weakness in his legs, the apprehension that he could meet him anytime and have his keyboard imprinted on his face. He smiled.

“Just go for it, mate. Get it out of your system.”

Out of his system, yes. Moving on. Taking risks. He had never really done that before. Everything with Chris had been safe, even their break up. Too safe maybe, and that's why their relationship had crashed. He decided he didn't want a relationship like that, not anymore. He wanted something dangerous, something that may hurt him, yes, but also wake him up from the coma he'd fallen into. He wanted to feel alive again, rekindle with his old dreams, be the person he'd always wanted to be and had lost somewhere along the way.

He put his head out of the fridge. “Yes.” Adam got up, zigzagged around the bags still spread on the kitchen floor. “Tidy that.”

Marcus laughed but complied and Adam went out, his heart beating furiously in his chest. He felt like he could faint any moment but he liked that. It felt awakening. He walked into the corridor to discover that Mister Arthur's door was closed and that Detective Jawline and his pal were gone. He stood there a minute, slowly realising that he had missed his chance, his heart sinking a bit with disappointment. He reached for the piece of paper in his pocket, looked at the number for a moment before putting it back with a sigh. It was over.

***

Adam closed his book with a sigh, already annoyed at whoever was bothering him with text messages. The reading was already difficult enough; he didn't need to be disturbed every ten seconds or so. He took his phone and looked at the thirty (thirty!) new messages on his family group chat. God his sisters could be chatty. He opened the conversation to be directly attacked by low quality pictures of his childhood. His sisters, mostly, and one of himself, approximately aged 8. He winced at that horrible thing and at his sisters' comments.

_Look at that chubby little guy!_

_He was SO CUTE OMG I almost forgot he used to be fat !!!!! winking emoji laughing emoji tongue emoji._

Fuck you.

He hadn't forgotten, thank you very much. To be honest he wasn't sure this wound would disappear so easily, if it ever did. He replied with a middle finger emoji and allowed himself to look at the picture again. He looked happy there, and why wouldn't he ? It was before the teasing and the bullying had started, before he had started to hate his body because it was so different than anybody else. He barely remembered this kid who dreamt to touch the stars.

Adam closed the conversation and put his phone on silent. He loved his sisters, all three of them, but they could be a bit much sometimes. He looked at his book. He knew he had to keep reading (and he wanted to but the thing was kinda heavy) but now he couldn't even gather the courage to even open the eight-hundred-page monster. He got up from the couch instead and headed for the kitchen to put the kettle on. His own liquid courage.

He could allow himself a half-hour break. Just drink his tea. Think about why he was bothering with that book in the first place. For that little eight-year-old boy. He had lost perspective for a while, forgotten what he was doing all this for. It was good to remind himself.

Voices in the corridor outside caught his attention. It sounded familiar and a wave of anticipation washed over him. It was him. Detective Jawline. Outside. Again. It had been days since his realisation and if he had day-dreamed at lot about it, he hadn't really thought he'd get another shot. Adam took a deep breath. Ok. This was happening. He briefly closed his eyes and went out, his heart threatening to escape from his chest.

It was him, with another one of his colleagues. They were chatting but when he saw him, Detective Jawline looked up at him and smiled faintly.

“Did you find Mister Arthur?” Adam asked, because it was the only thing he could think about.

The other cop nodded towards Detective Jawline, took a big black bag resting in the corner and left with a “I'll wait for you in the car” that gave Adam chills down his spine. He was alone with Detective Jawline. It was the perfect moment to embarrass himself again.

“We did. I'm afraid he won't be coming home though.”

Adam's face fell. He didn't really know the old guy but still … He couldn't imagine that he had …

“No! That came out wrong,” Detective Jawline said. “He's going into a home. A retirement home. Not a prison.”

“Oh.”

Well, that was certainly reassuring. Adam forced himself to breathe normally again but it seemed that all the air would get stuck in his lungs and never want to come out again. He exhaled slowly.

“So … er … we'll be out of your hair, then. Thank you for your cooperation.”

Detective Jawline gave him a last undecipherable look and started to walk away. He was leaving. And never coming back. Adam took a step forward, he had to hold him back but he couldn’t think of anything witty to say so his brain went for the first thing he found : “Jawline!”

That actually had the desired effect because he stopped to look at him with narrowed eyes and a slightly worried look. Great. He probably thought that Adam was a nutter.

Time to turn on his brain again: “I mean, do you want to come in for a cuppa?”

“Oh.” He hesitated. Yeah, who would want to go and get a cup of tea with a lunatic? Adam knew he wouldn’t. “I'm still on duty.”

Of fucking course. Adam forced a smile, trying to look nonchalant to hide his huge disappointment.

“Yes, of course. Well bye then. Good day to you.”

Detective Jawline frowned as Adam was slowly walking backwards towards his own flat. He awkwardly waved at him (why, though?) and disappeared inside with zero dignity left. Once the door was safely closed behind him, he let his head rest on the wood and closed his eyes. It wasn't long before he started laughing softly. He'd taken a risk and made a fool of himself. That was the best thing that had happened to him in a long time.

***

Adam couldn't really remember the last time he'd been out in public and that thought alone should have made him feel miserable. Where was his social life? Gone with Chris and all their friends, gone with his doctorate. Oh well … He would have all the time in the world to socialise after. He didn't really feel like it anyway. He hadn't even been that invested in the profile Marcus had created for him on Grindr. He'd received a lot of notifications of guys supposedly interested in him but none of them had sent this little spark in his brain making him go into full dork mode. And that was ok. If the Detective Jawline fiasco had taught him anything, it was that if it ain't funny, it ain't worth the pain. Or something like that.

He squatted down to look at the bottom shelf books. All of them were too vague, too general, and not even remotely close to his field of study. And he didn't really know what he expected to find at Foyles, really, but he had exhausted all the sources for his thesis and coming here had seemed like a good idea at the time. Maybe it had been his brain tricking him outside.

He stood up and his eyes caught sight of a huge, heavy, black book, simply titled _“Space”_ in bright yellow letter. He took it out and opened it randomly at a picture of a constellation. He stared in awe for a moment, smiling like an idiot in the middle of the science aisle there at Foyles. He went through the book, it was mostly pictures, not much text, but it was ok.

“Adam ? Adam Lang ?”

He jumped, almost whimping because God hadn't he seen that one coming. He looked for the face belonging to the voice who had just called him and froze when he recognised Detective Jawline. Detective Jawline, at Foyles on a Saturday afternoon, holding a book against his chest. Adam looked closely. It was that children book about the two gay penguins adopting a baby penguin. He bit his lips, trying not to smile too widely.

“Oh. Hi ...” Damn what was his real name ? “DC Willis.”

“Call me Jake. I'm off duty.”

Adam almost expected a wink that never came. He nodded, repeating his name in his head. Jake Willis. Much better than Detective Jawline. There was a silence and Adam was starting to fear it would become weird and embarrassing and furiously started to think of something witty and clever to say.

“So, space, huh?” Jake said, pointing at Adam's book.

Adam looked down.

“Penguins, huh?”

“It's for my niece, Amy,” Jake chuckled. “She's turning one next week.”

Adam had never pictured him as the kind of bloke who bought picture books for his niece. When he’d fantasised about Detective Jawline -Jake, he’d imagined some kind of handsome, brooding and dangerous man who would change his life and rock his world before disappearing into the night to break someone else’s heart. But it turned out he was adorable. That was more than Adam’s libido could endure.

“I hope you didn't think it was for me.”

Adam choked on his saliva. He tried to play it cool though but Jake was already looking offended and ready to bite him. Damn Marcus was right : he was hot !

“You did think it was for me!”

“Nope.”

Jake shrugged: “It's ok. I get it. I'm a cop, I'm not really the cerebral type.”

Adam wondered for a moment if he was indeed offended. He tried to read his face for any clues but the man was hard to read. He really hoped he wasn't though, because he'd only been joking. He was about to explain himself and start apologising but Jake's face broke into a smirk and Adam finally began to breathe normally again.

“It's not the cop thing. You're just too good-looking to be into books.”

And of course, he regretted that as soon as it came out of his mouth. Think before speaking, Lang, for Pete's sake.

“Ok. No one's ever said that to me before.” Jake's looked confused. “Thanks. I guess.”

“Don't mind me. I don't have any filter. I'm just incapable to act like a proper human being.”

“Yeah. I'd noticed that.”

They stayed in silence for a long minute after that and Adam slowly started to become very self conscious. And the book in his hands was really heavy. Why did he have to carry heavy things in his hands when he met him? And why did he have to meet him at Foyles of all places, on a Saturday afternoon when he hadn't been in contact with real human beings (Marcus didn't count, he was as awkward as he was) in so long ? He blamed the universe for this.

“So,” Jake started again and Adam couldn’t help but notice that he was really going the extra mile to talk to him when Adam was either silent or rude to him. He didn't want to think about what it meant. “About that tea?”

Was Jake trying to ask him out ? As awkwardly as Adam had been ? Well, that was kind of reassuring, although it was the only thing making sense right now because as much as Adam wanted to go out with him, he couldn't possibly go now. He had to learn how to be in social situation before if he didn't want to embarrass himself even more, if possible.

“Is the invitation still valid?”

“Yes.”

Short answers : best way not to mess it up. Adam bit his lips. He didn't want to look too happy. He wasn't that desperate after all.

“Care to make that a drink ? Like tomorrow evening ?”

Forgetting about looking desperate, Adam grinned widely.

“Sure.”

Jake smiled back.

“Ok. Tomorrow, 7? Shall we meet here and decide where to go from there?”

“Sounds great.”

Jake moved forward to touch his arm, just for a millisecond, and Adam forgot how to breathe.

“See you tomorrow then.”

With that, he walked away towards the cashier and Adam just remained there with his book in his hands and the best feeling inside his belly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates on my progress: I only have two chapters left to write + the epilogue, so I'll have it finished by the end of the week probably. Which will be weird.


	3. The beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to put this in the previous chapter but I'm not a scientist (quite the opposite actually) so I apologise in advance for any scientific inaccuracies

**Chapter 2: The beginning**

Jake was late. It wasn’t on purpose, he wasn’t the kind of man who needed to make an entrance, but time always seemed to fly away when he was busy which was pretty much always. He spared a quick look at his watch - it was only ten past seven so that wasn’t that bad. Not by his standards anyway. He just hoped Adam wasn’t the kind of man to get mad at a slight delay. If he were, there would be no point in seeing him again.

Jake fastened his pace and turned round the corner. People were still going out of Foyles ; he could see the staff inside struggling to get rid of the last customers. He scanned the small crowd near the doors, looking for Adam and not finding him. He slowed down, pausing on every face. Still no Adam. Well, it seemed that someone was worse than him, punctuality-wise.

“Jake !”

Or maybe not. He turned to see Adam coming towards him from the other side of the street. He was waving at him, not smiling with his mouth but Jake could see his eyes glow and he realised Adam was happy to see him. That was a nice change from the men he’d slept with and who had only seemed to be interested in his body. Adam crossed the road and should have stopped moving now that he had joined Jake but for some reason that Jake would never uncover, he kept coming forward as if to kiss him, seemed to realise what he was doing at the last possible moment and ended up hugging him awkwardly. During all this time, Jake had not moved an inch, taken completely by surprise. When Adam took a step back, looking mortified, Jake cleared his throat, a little bit amused at the situation. He should have felt uncomfortable (first, he didn’t do hugs ; then, Adam was practically a stranger), but he couldn't help the wave of fondness that rushed over him and the need to protect him. He liked Adam's constant messing up, the fact that he wasn't perfect and not even trying to be. Not that he would have ever admitted it to anyone.

“Any idea where you want to go?” he asked, partly because he wanted to relieve Adam of his awkwardness, partly because they weren’t going to stand there all night.

“No. Not really.”

Jake knew the perfect place. Well, maybe not perfect for a date, but familiar and comfortable and those were two things he could definitely do with. He hadn't dated much and still didn't really know what he was doing but Adam didn't seem that comfortable either and that reassured him a bit. Maybe Katy Perry was wrong and he wasn’t a lost cause after all.

He had recently decided to give this whole dating thing a chance. He wasn't looking for a great love story but there was so much satisfaction one could get from sleeping with strangers met in strange bars.

It was a short walk to the place where he was taking Adam, away from the busiest part of the city. It was a small pub, rather low-key, that didn’t look much from the outside but offered a comfy, safe atmosphere inside. It wasn’t a gay bar, Jake didn’t like those places, but it was gay-friendly. He would come there often with Katy Perry, on their weekly drink sessions, and he knew no one would look weirdly at two blokes having a drink. No one would care, and that was exactly what Jake needed.

They didn't really share any words on the way, Adam just asked how Jake’s day had been, and when they finally arrived there, Jake was starting to feel nervous. Which was stupid because he’d never thought he’d be the kind of guy to feel nervous about a date. And it wasn’t like there was a lot at stake there but maybe he wasn't ready for that. He forced himself to take a deep breath and led Adam inside. It was poorly lit so they chose a table next to a window and sat down. Adam chose an ale and after many protestations, Jake got up to take their orders. He came back a minute later with Adam's beer and a whiskey for himself. Maybe that wasn't the perfect date drink, he hadn't really thought this through.

They both took a sip. The silence was growing awkward and Jake was slowly starting to regret doing this in the first place.

“So,” Adam started, “did Amy like her book?”

Jake chuckled. That was possibly the worst way to start the conversation because if Amy had loved it, Drew had not so much. But there was no way Adam could have known so Jake decided not to hold it against him. “Yes. Not sure she understood it though. I don't really know anything about kids.”

“You and me there, mate.” Adam sounded more at ease even though he was still messing about with his glass. Jake wanted to tell him to stop making it turn like that because it was making him nauseated but thought against it. He wouldn’t usually stop himself from complaining but perhaps, it was better not to show his true colours on a first date. “Is she your sister's ? Brother's ?”

“Brother. I don't have any sisters actually. Just Drew and me.”

“Oh! I would have loved to have a brother. I was cursed with three older sisters.”

“Ouch.”

Adam winced. Jake wanted to add that he and his brother weren't that close but thought against it. Maybe family drama wasn't first date material. Not that he would know anything about it.

“Sorry about that,” he said instead.

“It's ok. They're not that bad.”

Adam proceeded to tell him about them : Madeleine had just started her own business in women sportswear, Margot was a nurse in an elderly home and Maggie was still figuring herself out. Adam finally stopped spinning his glass to take another sip and when he put his glass down, Jake noticed a bit of foam at the corner of his mouth. He bit his lips and spent the next thirty seconds wondering if he should say something while trying not to stare at his mouth so much. Damn dating was hard ! Finally, Adam saved him from many more internal struggles by wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

“They would probably lose their collective shits if they knew I'm on a date with a cop.”

It took Jake a while to realise he was still talking about his sisters. He'd kind of lost track of the conversation there and still didn't seem to be able to forget about his mouth.

“I mean -- this is a date. Right?”

Adam looked ready to freak out and Jake couldn't help a slight chin tuck while somewhat rising his eyebrows. He was still totally bewildered with Adam’s complete absence of chillness. He struggled with the urge to mess with him but the look of pure panic in his eyes convinced him to be kind instead. “Yes, it's a date,” he said, baring his teeth. “Why would they lose their shit though?”

“They would get stuck on the policeman in uniform thing. Like, you know, hot -- stuff. You know.”

“Well I don't wear a uniform.”

And thank God or whoever for that. If there was one thing Jake didn’t regret, it was the period of time he’d had to wear that thing he would gladly call a crime against fashion. Not that being a cop had anything to do with fashion but he had always believed that people’s opinion on the police might change with a new, cooler, dress code. Surprisingly, no one had ever listened to his argument.

“Yeah I noticed.”

“You disappointed ?”

“No. I kinda like the cop in leather jacket thing more.”

Yeah, the leather jacket was definitely a keeper. Adam wasn't the first guy to fall for that and, just like he had with the others, Jake didn't have the heart to tell him it wasn't real leather. He took a sip, noticing as he did that Adam had blushed slightly.

“So you're obviously not a cop,” he said to relieve the tension. “I bet you’re a -- librarian?”

Adam chuckled and shook his head. Too bad. Jake could have a thing for a sexy librarian.

“What do you do then?”

“The main thing at the moment is working on my doctorate. I'm also an assistant teacher at uni and I do research. Well, mainly for my thesis.”

Damn. He was even brainier than a librarian.

“What do you work on?”

“My field is astrochemistry, the sun in particular and the effect the molecules bombarded on our atmosphere have. We're hoping to be able to study them closer and maybe find an alternative to our current energy sources.”

Jake blinked and his nose crinkled. That sounded great -- and so out of his depth. And yet looking at Adam tell him about it, seeing how his face lit up and how his eyes glowed, it also sounded like the most beautiful thing in the world.

“So what do you do exactly? Like how do you do experiments on the sun?”

He didn't even have to pretend to be interested. And when Adam started to explain his work, he got hung up to his every words, even if he didn't understand half of what he was saying. And it turned out that when he was talking about science, Adam was unstoppable.

“Wow,” he said after a while, cutting him in the middle of a sentence.

“Sorry, I’m speaking too much. That’s bit boring, sorry.”

“No! It's just a lot for a normal brain.”

Adam smiled apologetically. “Sorry. Sometimes I forget that not everyone is into science. My ex used to hate when I talked about it so -- I kinda stopped doing it at some point.”

“Your ex?”

Jake briefly wondered if it was the guy he had met before. What was his name? Marcus?

“Ah. Yes. We broke up a few months ago.”

So not that guy then. Somehow, Jake felt relieved. He wanted to know more about it but Adam's face had closed when he had mentioned him, so Jake decided to drop it and go back to a more comfortable area.

“So how does it work then ? Are you a professor or something.”

“Or something. I can't be a real uni teacher while I don't have my doctorate but I help with the practical stuff, I help students with experiments and essays and I teach first year general chemistry. That and the research work keep me quite busy actually.”

Jake could only imagine. He had never really liked science at school and couldn't really remember what chemistry was about.

“So wait. Chemistry is not the one with all the complicated formulas, right?”

Adam’s whole attitude had changed talking about science. With his job, Jake had become good at noticing small shifts in behaviour, like the way Adam wasn’t fidgeting with his fingers anymore or how he had clasped his hands behind his back.

“I think what you would associate with complicated formulas is physics.” Yes, now that Adam was mentioning it, it did ring a bell. “Chemistry uses the same complicated formulas, and in some ways it can overlap with physics in the way that they both study matter. The difference is that chemistry will mostly study how the particles that constitute the matter react with each other.” Jake tried to look like this made some kind of sense to him but he had to admit he was lost. Adam bit his lips to hide, very poorly, an amused smile. “Basically, I try to mix stuff together, to put particles with each other, and observe how they react, hoping nothing will explode.”

“Did you ever blow up anything?”

“Not in a long time,” Adam paused. “But with the kind of things I work with now, one mistake and I could blow up at least part of the city.”

“Shut up!”

Adam brought his hands back on the wooden table and made a steeple out of his fingers. He had a kind of smile on his lips that would make Jake doubt whether he was messing with him or not. He liked his playfulness.

“So, if I understand correctly --” Jake tried make sense of everything Adam had told him in the last few minutes. “You study how the sun’s particles react with the particles in the Earth’s atmosphere?”

“Yes!” Jake smiled proudly. “Well, ish. Not exactly.” Jake’s smile faded but Adam gave him a reassuring look. “But basically, yes. I also hypothesise on the effect they have on other planets.”

Jake’s head was starting to hurt. He hadn’t felt that stupid in a very long time. He passed his hand on his face and finished his glass, just to put his thoughts back into place.

“But why did you want to do that in the first place? I mean, no offense but chemistry isn't the sexiest thing in the world.”

“Well it wasn't what I dreamt of when I was a kid. But I always knew I wanted to work in science, try and understand how the universe works, and I guess I was particularly drawn to chemistry when I was in school. I kind of lost my way for a while but I recently remembered why I was doing all this.”

Jake frowned. There was something in Adam’s eyes, a light he couldn’t recognise because he had never really cared about the universe.

“I want to go out there,” Adam continued, looking up. “In space. It's what I've always wanted to do.”

Adam's passion was almost blinding. Not in a literal way but Jake was finding difficult to understand him, to understand what was driving him. He must have noticed his confused look because he gave Jake one deep, compassionate look. “Why did you want to become a cop, Jake?” he asked softy.

Jake briefly closed his eyes. He had a flash of a policeman, standing in front of him, silent. Ages ago. He opened his eyes again. He didn't want to walk that path. Not now. Not ever.

“I wanted to do something that matters.” It was the only answer he would give. It was the truth.

“So did I. Something that matters. On different scales, of course, but something that makes sense. For us.”

Jake sighed and looked down at the table, studying carefully the irregularities in the wood, following them with his index finger. He hadn't expected things to become so real, so quickly. He just wanted to have fun but there he was, with a man he barely knew and yet, with whom he shared something. He wasn't sure what yet but somehow he understood Adam and Adam understood him better than anyone else.

Adam cleared his throat which brought Jake's attention back to him. They smiled a bit awkwardly at each other. “That escalated quickly from sexy cop to like -- the meaning of life.”

Jake barked with laughter. He needed this. He needed things to be fun again. “Let's go back to sexy cop please.”

Silence found its way between them again but it wasn't awkward anymore. It was welcome, like a balm on a wound that has been exposed for too long.

They ordered new drinks and this time, Adam insisted on paying. Fair enough. They talked. About life, about work. Safe subjects, nothing as heavy as before and Jake was able to breathe again. He learned more about Adam’s family, about how Connor Lang had started working on construction sites, slowly making his way to being foreman and then his own boss. It was an interesting story, and Jake found himself thinking about his own dad. He had worked in a perfume factory his whole life, doing the same alienating job every day. But unlike Adam’s father, he’d never evolved. Jake thought he could have, if it hadn’t been for the alcohol of course. He kept these thoughts to himself though ; once again, family drama wasn’t first date material.

He didn’t like thinking about this. It was stirring up bad memories and it wasn’t long before he felt like he was choking, trapped in this place. He needed air. He finished his drink quickly, kind of forcing Adam to do the same, and they went out.

“I didn’t mean to rush you out like that but I needed fresh air.”

“I understand. I did too.” Adam put his jacket back on and shook his black hair out of his eyes. They were a bit long, not so much in length but in volume. Jake had the sudden urge to stroke them, just to check if they were as thick and soft as they looked.

They walked back to the busiest part of the city. Even if he wasn’t looking at him, Jake could see from the corner of his eyes Adam side glancing at him. Jake half smiled : he liked the effect he had on him, his obvious insecurity when it came to things that had nothing to do with science and the way the kept checking Jake’s expression.

Soon, they were back in front of Foyles. Jake didn't really want this date to end because it had felt nice for once to share something deep with another human being. Getting some recognition and not feeling like his life was just a serie of dislocated events had been exhausting though, it had brought things back from the darkest corners of his mind, things he wanted to forget, and he needed some time alone, not to make any sense out of them but to put them back safely where they belonged.

“So this is it.” Jake shoved his hands in his pockets, looking down. He didn’t know how this was supposed to end. In movies, it would have been the moment where he should have kissed Adam. But this wasn’t a movie, and as much as he wanted it, this was still a street full of people. Jake couldn’t help a glance around, just to make sure that no one was staring.

“This is it,” Adam repeated, looking down at his shoes. “I had a good time.” A pause. “I'd like to see you again.”

“I'd like that too.” He gave Adam his number. “Call me. Or text me. When you want to see me again.”

He trusted that Adam would. Before they parted, Jake brushed against his hand, just for the pleasure of messing with him, and without a look back, he walked away.

***

Jake had messed up big time. He didn't remember ever seeing Martinez, his DI and mentor, so furious. There was something sort of fascinating about seeing this man, usually calm and composed, completely lose his shit over him.

“How could you do something so incredibly stupid ?”

Jake hoped Martinez wasn't expecting an answer because he had none to give to him. Just that he had grown impatient. He had been about to step inside the police station after interrogating a car dealer, an old friend, when a group of nineteen-year-olds had taken him as target and thrown empty cans at him. Usually, Jake would have just tried his best to out-annoy them into leaving him alone but this time had been different. Maybe it was one time too much, maybe he was just tired or he already had a lot on his mind but he had lashed out and punched the kid who had been foolish enough to come any closer and not run away like the rest of his pals.

Jake was used to dealing with teenagers -kids- who seemed to think that annoying him because he was a cop was sort of cool. He’d been like that - defying all kinds of authority, and he guessed it was some kind of rite of passage. But now the kid was in the hospital and Jake was looking at a suspension.

“Do you realise how much work I've put into you? How much shit I've had to take just to make you DC?”

Martinez gave a violent blow on his desk, almost making Jake jump. “Are you even listening to me?”

“Yes.”

“I'll cover your sorry ass this time, Jake, but believe me, this is the last time.”

“Thank you, sir.”

Martinez sat back in his chair, looking completely drained. He wasn’t angry anymore, Jake doubted he had really been before, it was just an act to make him understand how deep in trouble he was. “What happened?” Martinez asked tiredly. “I thought you were passed all this shit.”

Jake shrugged dismissively. To be honest, he didn't know why he had lost his temper on something so stupid. Ok, kids got annoying. That wasn't new. And he had worked hard on his anger, he was a better man, he was good at his job, he was respected. So why had he snapped?

“Did anything happen with Drew?”

Jake clenched his fists under the desk so Martinez wouldn’t see it. “No. I mean, he's still a dick but there's nothing new there.”

“So something did happen.” Martinez gave him that all-knowing look and Jake looked away. He didn’t like that someone could read him so easily. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

It was all because of two fucking gay penguins. Drew had had that look when Jake had given the gift to Amy followed by _the_ talk. About not shoving his lifestyle down his throat. That he was accepting enough to keep inviting him to stuff but if he could not remind him he was gay, that would be great, thank you very much. Jake didn't need this. But Drew and Amy were his only family. “It was just -- typical Drew stuff,” he finally said.

Martinez knew that Jake didn’t talk to his dad anymore and that his relationship with his brother was tumultuous at best. He’d witnessed Jake’s anger towards them, he’d helped him in some way, but Jake had never been able to tell him why their relationship was so messed up. He’d never actually told anyone he was gay : Drew and his father had found out all by themselves.

“I see.” Martinez made of steeple of his fingers. “I'm sorry Jake, but no matter how shitty it gets, it can never impact your work. Do you understand?”

Jake tilted his head almost imperceptibly - of course he did. He didn't want to let that bother him that much but it did. He’d worked too much for that and it made him as mad as Martinez to see himself relapse into his old habits so easily.

“Go home, Jake. You're suspended until Monday, so try and make the most of that time. Ok?”

“Ok.”

Jake left his badge and his gun on Martinez’ desk before getting up. He shoved his hands in his pockets and went out of the office, careful not to slam the door behind him. He wasn’t angry at Martinez. He understood where he stood, he was even glad that all he got out of this was a temporary suspension. But he was still mad, mad at Drew for sure but mostly mad at himself. He was better than that. He wasn’t his father.

He crossed the open space to join the locker room under the scrutinising stares of his colleagues. It felt like a walk of shame so he raised his chin and looked straight forward, proudly, but when he finally reached his locker, away from the stares, he rested his forehead against the cold metal and closed his eyes. He wasn’t scared for his career, although maybe he should have been, he was scared of who he could be.

Jake opened his eyes and shook those thoughts away. Being scared never protected anyone from the danger. Acting was the only solution. He opened his locker and took his jacket before he gave a look at his phone, noticing that he had five new messages from an unknown number.

_Hey Jake! I wanted to give you a call but I didn't want to bother you at work so … Do you want to go out again some time? Maybe tonight, if you're free. Let me know. Xx_

_Btw, this is Adam_

_But I guess you knew that. Unless you have other dates._

_Shit! Didn't mean to send that part. Sorry. I'll shut up now._

_Please don't hate me._

Jake stared in disbelief for a solid thirty seconds, a smile slowly forming on his lips. Adam was so authentic, even when he texted he had zero chill and zero filter, this was incredible. He went out in the street before he replied : _Seems like I'm on a break until Monday so tonight's perfect. And please, never shut up._

***

“I haven't been completely honest with you.”

Jake looked at Adam. He could see his head bent forwards, the way he was fidgeting with his fingers and biting his lips, and none of this was reassuring him. Yet, second date had been going well so far. Adam had suggested they had dinner together and for once, Jake had even managed to be on time. He’d had all afternoon to figure out what to wear and to choose a restaurant where he and Adam could meet, which accommodated Jake’s diet and where he didn’t risk meeting anyone he knew. Surprisingly, it had been more difficult than Jake had thought.

They had met at the restaurant at seven. Adam had obviously tried to make an effort to tame his impossible hair, without much success, Jake had to admit. He still had spent most of the evening pushing locks of hair away from his eyes, making Jake wonder why he didn’t simply cut them. Or maybe it was just a manifestation of his nervousness. Jake hadn’t been able to decide. Maybe he could ask him later.

They had talked. Nothing as serious and heavy as the meaning of life this time ; Adam had been more than enthusiastic about something that had happened in the science world - something about neutrinos (whatever that was). Jake had made a mental note to check that out later. He’d listened to him speak most of the evening, which was convenient because Jake didn’t feel like talking, fascinated by the way his body language completely changed when he was discussing something he loved. He was more exuberant, making gestures with his hands, his eyes inhabited by a fire Jake had never seen before. And while Adam was talking, he seemed to radiate some kind of light that for a brief moment touched Jake and made him feel more alive than he’d felt in a long time. It was a feeling he could easily get used to.

They had just left, after having split the bill because apparently none of their prides could suffer being invited, and were heading for a nearby park when Adam had dropped this.

“I told you about my ex ...” Adam said after a minute, twisting his fingers.

Jake didn't like where this was going. Either they weren’t really separated and were just taking a break or trying new things out, either he was the super jealous kind of ex, had found out about Jake and had sworn to kill him with an axe. Either way, that couldn't end well.

“We were together a very long time,” Adam started. He had raised his head not to bump into a street lamp on the way but was still making a point not to look directly at Jake. “And -- well, we broke up months ago but I haven't been with anyone since and -- I don't think I'm ready for a serious relationship.” Ok. So no crazy ex-boyfriend. That felt a bit anticlimactic. “I just want something casual and I didn't want to mislead you or anything.”

They entered St James park through the West gate. A path where street lamps formed warm, yellow patches of light on the ground led to the East gate. In a few months, mosquitos would gather under these lights but it was still too early in the year. This place could have been creepy at night. Jake knew that most parks were but St James was quite popular for joggers and couples, and even late at night, it was still safe to have a walk there.

On each sides of the path, trees stood tall and impressive. Jake knew there were ponds and ducks among them because it was usually where he was taking Amy when he could have her for a few hours. It was a comfortable, familiar place where Jake liked going and maybe that was what made him feel so confident, as if nothing really mattered but Adam. It allowed him to do something he had never done in public before - he took Adam’s hand. There was a second of hesitation, both from his side and Adam’s. But finally, Adam’s fingers closed around his hand and Jake breathed more comfortably, amazed that the world hadn’t stopped turning. He allowed himself some time before answering to Adam. Not by cruelty or because he needed to think about what to say, but because he wanted to savour this moment.

“It’s ok,” he said finally. “I'm not mislead.” He brushed with his thumb against the back of Adam's hand. He could still feel Adam’s nervousness pouring out of his whole body. It was in the way he still wasn’t looking at Jake, the way his hand was sweaty, the way he kept clenching his jaws. Jake pressed his hand a little bit harder and added : “I'm ok being the rebound guy.”

Adam finally looked at him, seemed to gauge him and smiled softly. “Thanks.”

They kept walking in silence towards the heart of the park. There was some kind of roundabout with a bandstand in the middle where, in the summer, people sold ice cream during the day and where bands could perform at night. Now, it was mostly empty except for a jogger tying up his shoe laces. He left when they walked up the few steps to the wooden platform to go and lean against the guardrail and look at the trees in front of them.

“You didn't tell me why you got suspended,” Adam said after a while.

Jake looked at him, surprised. The electrical lights suspended in the bandstand were drawing multicoloured patterns on his face. It all felt a bit surreal, a bit magical. Jake had told Adam about being suspended, he’d tried to sound light about it, like it wasn’t a big deal (it wasn’t) but apparently, it was still on Adam’s mind. But he didn't seem nosy about it, he just looked genuinely worried and Jake didn't have the heart to send him packing.

“I -- lost a bit my temper today.” Was it ok to say that he had punch a bloke for no good reason? Was it ok to say that it wasn't the first time? Was it ok to say that he'd relapsed today because his own brother had been a dick about a stupid children book?

The look of concern on Adam's face gave him his answer.

“I hit someone. For no other reason than because he was annoying me. That shouldn't have happened.”

Jake didn't want Adam to think he was a violent man. Because he wasn't. He had been, a long time ago, when he’d been so angry at the world. But he was a better man now. Or so he thought.

“What happened?”

“I don't know. I just lost it. It's like I wasn't myself.” Adam pressed his hand harder. His brow was furrowed but it didn’t look like he was scared or particularly worried for his own safety. He just looked concerned about Jake. “I don't get emotional,” Jake continued. “But I guess sometimes it just hits me.”

“It means you're human. Congratulations.”

Jake chuckled. As far as he was concerned, humans were full of shit. But if people like Adam existed, maybe he'd been wrong about that.

Adam was still looking at him with concern but there was something else now. Something that seemed to scream ‘I’m going to kiss you now’. Or maybe it was only Jake’s own fantasies. He couldn’t be sure. He stared back curiously, utterly amazed that someone like him hadn't already given up on him yet, and finally, Adam grinned, a true smile that made his eyes shine. Jake took one step closer until their chests were almost touching and leaned against Adam to softly breathe against his lips, like an invitation. Adam's hand, the one he wasn't holding, found its way to his cheek, stroked his ear and brought his whole face closer so he could kiss him. It made something strange wake up inside Jake's stomach and for an instant, he forgot he was out in the open. He never wanted that kiss to end and when Adam took a step back, he pushed him at the small of his back to bring him closer and rest his forehead against his, eyes closed.

He wanted to say something but nothing seemed to do justice to how he was feeling. Adam kissed him again and Jake was able to feel the smile form on his lips. He bit it softly, tentatively, and laughed when Adam kissed him harder in response. They played that game for a while until they separated. Adam's hand fell back at his side, not without having brushed his ear one last time.

They went back to their contemplation of the trees in silence. Adam was smiling, his lips a little bit pinker than before. His hair also had lost all semblance of order. It made Jake smile for a brief moment. But even though that kiss had felt good in a way he wasn’t really able to understand yet, he remembered that they were outside where anyone could see them. He took a look around. There were still people going on about their lives but no one was looking, no one was judging.

“Do you want me to walk you home?” Jake asked.

“Do I look like I can’t make it home by myself?” Adam rose an eyebrow suspiciously.

“Not at all. I just don’t want this evening to end.”

It was enough to make Adam smile widely and Jake congratulated himself for causing this reaction.

“We’re actually not that far from my place.”

“Yes. I know.”

The suspicious look again. “Of course you do.”

Without letting go of his hand, Adam led him out of the bandstand, back onto the path. They walked in silence towards the busy street where Jake let go of Adam’s hand. The park was like a protected world. The city wasn’t.

Jake looked at Adam, studying his reaction. The fact that they weren’t holding hands anymore didn’t seem to bother him. In fact, he just looked tired, on the brink of yawning. Jake waited for it to come but it never arrived. He kept looking at him though, not directly, but from the corner of his eyes. Adam kind of looked like a zombie with his red eyes and the way he was walking, like he was about to stumble on his own feet any moment. Jake hadn’t noticed before. Maybe he was just very tired.

“You okay?” he asked, sparing a glance at Adam. It seemed to him wake up.

“Yeah. Just knackered you know. I've worked pretty much all night and I went for a run this morning, my legs are getting sore.” He winced but smiled reassuringly at Jake.

“You run?”

“No,” Adam chuckled. “I try. But it's not easy to find the motivation on my own. It’s a shame though cause I used to be good at sports. Well, football mostly. I used to play with my dad on Sunday mornings and we would go to the matches sometimes. But, well, I’ve stopped all of this a long time ago.”

A shadow passed on his face. Jake considered asking him why he had stopped doing sports but finally decided against it. He could ask later, Adam didn’t really seem in the mood to talk about it right now.

“Why do you run then?” Jake asked instead.

“It'll sound stupid.”

Now Jake's curiosity was teased. He gave Adam a soft nudge with his elbow. “Tell me. I won't laugh, or I'll try my best.”

Adam almost stopped to look at him, forcing Jake to slow down too. He stared at him, like he was judging whether or not he could trust him. “I told you I wanna go in space,” he finally said, obviously giving in. “Well, it's not just some wishful thinking. I'm planning on applying to go to the ISS. Not tomorrow. I still need to finish my doctorate and I wanna get more experience before I apply because it's like a lifetime opportunity and I don't want to rush it. But going into space is extremely straining for the human body and you need to be in perfect physical condition and I don't want to get rejected because I don't have enough muscular mass and because I'm too fat. It would suck big time.”

Jake paused to stare at him, in complete bewilderment. He had to admire Adam's passion but it seemed like his whole life was dedicated to this dream. And as a man who had never had dreams, it was kind of beautiful to see but where was the fun in all that? Right, Adam loved his work, and good for him, but it didn't look to him like he was doing anything else apart from that. And what if he could never get to the ISS? What would his life had been for then?

They weren’t far from Adam’s place anymore so Jake began walking again. “Adam,” he said in the softest way possible. “I don't think I'm the best person to tell you this but -- you need to chill.”

“What-”

“No, let me finish first,” Jake interrupted. “What did you do yesterday evening?”

“I worked on the introduction to-”

“And today?”

A pause. Adam bit his lips. He looked confused, like he couldn't understand where this was going. “I worked,” he answered slowly, as if he feared Jake’s reaction.

Jake let that sink in, giving some time to figure out what was wrong with that. “I wouldn't pretend to know you very well, but from what you told me and from the conclusions I drew myself, I think working is the only thing you do.”

“I also go out with you,” Adam said tentatively.

Jake clicked his tongue and waved his finger disapprovingly. “We haven't been out on enough dates for that to count.”

They turned around the corner, into Adam’s street. Only a few yards to his building. They crossed them in silence and entered the empty hall.

“Maybe I can work on fixing that,” Adam said, moving closer to Jake to press his lips against his.

In response, Jake wrapped his arms around his shoulders, and finally got to pass his fingers through Adam’s hair. It was as soft as he had imagined and he never wanted to stop touching it. He felt Adam laugh softly against his mouth. It could have almost distracted him from the matter at hand.

“I wouldn't' complain,” he whispered against Adam’s lips and before he had the time to add anything else, Adam was kissing him again.This time it was more urgent, more pressing. They stopped some time later, almost panting, definitely wanting more. But as much as he never wanted to stop kissing Adam, Jake took a step back, letting his arms fall back against his sides.“I'll help you run,” he said. “Not because I want you to go to the ISS but because I want to boss you around. But you have to promise me something. Do things for yourself. Go home. Watch a movie. Read a book. Do whatever you nerds do to relax. And I want you to do that at least once a week. Deal?”

Adam seemed to think about it but he slowly nodded, like a man with no other choice. They shook hands to seal the deal.

“So --” Adam started, looking all nervous again. “Do you want to come up?”

Jake bit his lips. He wanted to but when he’d asked Adam out, he’d promised himself this time would be different, that it wouldn’t be just meaningless sex. He wanted to make things right for once and that included taking his time. He hoped Adam would understand. “I think we should leave whatever comes next for next time.”

Adam didn’t seem to take it badly, in fact he looked rather relieved. “So there'll be a next time?”

“I thought this much was rather obvious,” Jake grinned as he took Adam’s hand to bring him even closer. They kissed again, more lazily this time, taking the time to get to know each other. Jake rested his forehead against Adam’s, eyes closed and one hand softly pressed against the small of his back.

“I didn't want to be presumptuous,” Adam laughed.

Jake squinted. He wanted to keep Adam’s expression somewhere in his mind. For bad days. He passed his hand through Adam’s hair again, to try and put a bit of order in it, but all he managed to do was flatten it. It gave Adam a miserable look. He shook his head to put it back into place. “Don’t touch the hair,” he warned. “The hair is sacred.”

Jake rolled his eyes. “Be careful. Maybe next time I’ll just take your hair on a date.” That sounded awful. Jake wished he’d kept that for himself but Adam snorted loudly, obviously trying to look offended when all he wanted to do was to laugh.

Jake didn’t want to leave. He wished they could stay there, in this hall, and talk all night. But he took a step back towards the door.

“I’ll make then extra presentable then,” Adam said.

Jake gave him a thumb up and opened the door to the outside. It was starting to be cold, so he closed his jacket and after having wished Adam a good night, he left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter: Trip to the countryside


	4. Trip to the countryside

**Chapter 3: Trip to the countryside**

_Who am I?_

Those three words were the scariest thought Adam had ever had. He was thirty. He should have figured this out ages ago because identity was a teenagers’ problem. So what had the last ten years been about then? Whose life had he lived? Had it all been a lie, and most importantly, where had it gone wrong? He had no answer. Who was Adam Lang? For a long time, he’d been a student, the English boy at the French university, he’d been Chris Perkins’ boyfriend, he’d been the bubbly gay stranger and before that, he’d been the nerd, the fat boy, the victim. He wasn’t any of that, not anymore.

Adam looked up through the car window. He didn’t know how he’d ended up thinking about this. Maybe because for once, his mind wasn’t focused on anything. Maybe because he hadn’t been on a car trip for a while, maybe because Jake’s smooth driving was soothing him into deep thoughts. Well, if that was the case, he didn’t like it.

He didn’t even know where they were going. Jake had just picked him up, told him they were taking a day trip outside of the city. Adam hadn’t dared to tell him he didn’t like the countryside. In his memories of family trips, it was always muddy and rainy and disgusting, and judging by the low, grey sky, today wouldn’t be any different.

Any sign of civilisation had disappeared now, replaced by fields anywhere Adam could see. There was nothing his eyes could fix onto and it was starting to make him feel dizzy so he looked at Jake. He was focused on his driving, his face was unreadable but his eyes were saying something else like he wasn’t only driving on this lonely road but also down memory lane. It was just a feeling but it made Adam want to know what he was thinking. Some people, like Marcus, were so expressive, it was very easy to know how they were feeling and what they were thinking. Adam had always been very good at reading people. With Jake, it was different, though. There was some kind of mystery surrounding him, something dangerous, perhaps, but also totally exciting. And it was so typical: innocent boy falls for mysterious, leather jacket-wearing, brooding man. But Adam wasn’t a boy anymore even though his hair might say otherwise. Chris had never liked it long and after the break-up, letting it grow had felt like the right thing to do. Now Jake liked it so much, it would feel wrong cutting it. Not that Adam cared either way.

Jake, on the other hand, looked so grown-up. He had a job, a real job, a cool job, and he was living alone. Even the way he dressed had something more. It wasn’t just like an adult man would dress, it was also elegant yet sober; it told something about him. Adam hadn’t figured out what yet but he liked his attention to details and imagining him carefully choosing everything he wore.

“You know it’s rude to stare?” Jake still wasn’t looking at him but his mouth was twisted in an almost smile.

Adam looked away and didn’t answer. He didn’t like not knowing what was going on and what was going to happen to him. He didn’t like the questions in his mind. He had a thesis to finish, he didn’t have the time to embark on an identity crisis.

He saw at the corner of his eyes Jake turning his head briefly to look at him. “Is something the matter?” he asked.

“I’m just a bit nervous,” Adam admitted, playing with a lock of his hair.

“About going to the countryside?” Jake looked like he didn’t believe him. Adam sighed softly. He imagined Jake wasn’t the kind of man to even have a comfort zone, he seemed so comfortable anywhere he went, he was almost annoying.

“It’s just a bit out of my comfort zone.”

“If going to the countryside is out of your comfort zone, then I’ve got bad news about going to space.” Adam stared at him disbelievingly. Ok, Jake had a very fair point, and yes, Adam might be a little bit mad that he had been the one to make that point. “I've thought a lot about what we talked about last time,” Jake continued when it became clear that Adam wouldn’t indulge him with an answer. “Consider this my way of showing you what life outside work can be.”

This time, Adam didn’t just turn his head towards him, he turned his whole upper body, not caring one bit that the seatbelt was kind of strangling him now. He was too teased to care and he had to admit that he loved this feeling. It was everything he’d been craving. “Now you’ve got to tell me what you’ve been planning.”

Jake clicked his tongue disapprovingly. “That would be spoiling.” Adam pouted and furrowed his brow. Jake spared a quick glance at him before focusing back on the road, looking totally unimpressed. “Don’t try and cute me out with that face, I’m a cop, it doesn’t work on me.”

Damn him. Adam sat back more comfortably to look ahead, settling his head against the headrest. They turned in a dirt road. The ride became bumpy and they both winced when their heads hit the roof of the small car. It seemed that the ride on this road lasted even more than the rest of their trip from Manchester although the farm they were obviously driving towards hadn’t been that far from the main road. When the car finally stopped, Adam got out with a sigh of relief and proceeded to massage his painful butt. He took a moment to look at where they had arrived: middle of nowhere, the edge of a forest on one side, fields ad nauseam on the other. And in the middle, what Adam had taken for a farm, surrounded by what seemed to be a car cemetery. Loud music that Adam didn’t recognise, echoing in the nothingness around them was coming from a workshop. That seemed to be where Jake was heading.

A big balding man came out to meet them. He looked mad and dangerous and at first, Adam thought he was going to tell them off for trespassing but his face broke into a huge grin when he saw Jake and they shook hands. Adam remained a step behind Jake, not because he was afraid but because he felt completely out of place.

“Simon, this is Adam, a friend,” Jake said. “Adam, this is Simon. I arrested him a few years back.”

Adam raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. He wanted to look unimpressed and totally at ease but the truth was, it was windy here and cold and he wasn’t dressed for the occasion. And he still didn’t know why they were here in the first place.

“I got cleared, now, did I?” Simon defended himself. He didn’t sound like he was from Manchester.

“What were you cleared for?” Adam asked.

“Grand theft auto.”

Adam looked at all the cars and carcasses around making Simon burst out of laughter. Jake took a step back to be next to Adam. “Do you have what I asked?”

Simon disappeared inside the workshop. Adam briefly wondered if they were going to follow him in, but Jake stayed posted until Simon came back out pulling what looked like a motocross. Adam threw a panicked look at Jake because there was no way he was riding that thing, but Jake replied with a smile that meant that Adam wouldn’t have a say in the matter. Perfect.

“Jake - I’ve never done this before.” He felt like he needed to add that, to make clear that he had no idea of how those things worked.

“It’s ok, I’ll go easy on you.” Jake bared his teeth and Adam couldn’t help but smile a little bit too.

In the meantime, Simon had come back with a pair of helmets and a bottle of whiskey. He drank a long sip before handing it to Jake who did the same and passed it to Adam. He wasn’t really into strong alcohols but he reckoned he could do with it.

Jake handed one helmet to Adam. “You ready?”

Adam’s throat was burning with the alcohol but somehow he didn’t feel so nervous anymore. He grabbed the helmet and put it on, his hands shaking with fear and anticipation. He took place on the motocross behind Jake, holding his jacket a bit above his hips.

“You boys be safe.”

The engine of the motocross roared so loudly that Adam’s heart missed a beat and before he had the time to think that he didn’t want to do it after all, he felt like his body was being pulled and pushed forward at the same time. Instinctively, he wrapped his arms around Jake’s stomach, grabbing the fabric of his shirt with all his strength. It took him a while to realise that his eyes were shut. He opened them to the forest around him. The bike was going up and down, skidding in the leaves and mud. It seemed that Jake had slowed down since they had left the farm but it was probably to accommodate the accidented terrain.

Once the first rush of pure fear had passed, Adam was able to enjoy the ride. He tried to look around at the landscape but he got quickly bored with it and he understood that it wasn’t the point. Instead, he released a bit his grip on Jake and enjoyed the wind flipping his coat and the vibration from the motocross. When it started raining, he experienced a moment of total happiness and freedom, completely relieved of his daily worries and anguish. The rush of adrenaline allowed him to feel more human, more mortal, and to want more, faster.

Adam didn’t know how long they rode but after they had left the forest, Jake permitted himself one last sprint now that they were in the clear. He then slowed down and came to a stop next to a group of isolated trees. Going down proved harder than Adam had imagined. His body seemed to be frozen in one position and he had to really will his muscles to move. Once he had removed his helmet, he let himself fall in the grass, totally not caring that it was still raining. He was already soaked anyway and covered in mud. That couldn’t possibly get worse. Jake did the same and when he sat next to him, Adam noticed that his hair was all messed up and he couldn’t help but pass his fingers through it to put it right. Before he could remove his hand, Jake had grabbed his wrist and was pulling him closer. He stared longly in his eyes and brushed his cheek with the tips of his fingers.

The adrenaline from the ride and the lust for more hadn’t completely vanished and Adam found himself staring back, until they kissed, first passionately, like their lives were depending on it, then more tenderly as the tiredness was washing over them.

They separated, finally, rain dripping on their faces. Jake had that expression again, it was that amused light in his eyes that Adam had seen the first time they had met.

“What?”

“You have mud on your face, right where I touched you.”

“That can be fixed.”

Adam dipped his hand in the mud all around him and put it right in the middle of Jake’s face who yelped like a puppy, recoiled in surprise, and fell back on his back. “Not fair,” he complained as he sat up, trying to wipe the mud from his hair and face.

Adam bit his lips. He liked seeing Jake so disheveled and dirty because there was something beautiful in this.

“Thanks,” he said finally. “For this.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Do you do that a lot?”

A shadow passed on Jake’s face as he looked around. “I haven’t in a while. But I used to do it often with my father and my brother. A long time ago.”

Adam almost asked more but something in Jake’s eyes made him think against it. It felt like a touchy subject and if Adam definitely wanted to know more about this, he recognised that it probably wasn’t the best time to start and be nosy.

Instead, he looked around at the landscape, at the trees that seemed to be covered by a grey curtain, at the sky and the earth that seemed to meet and melt together. He would have thought this would be sad but it wasn’t. In other circumstances, it would have depressed him, but here, in the mud with Jake, he felt at peace with himself. There were no more doubts, no more science, no more work, no more Chris. Here, he was allowed to just be Adam, there was no need for description. He looked at Jake, to thank him, again, and laughed. All this introspection had brought back the memory of the day they had met when he’d tried to be a smartass with a keyboard imprinted on his cheek.

“What?” Jake asked.

“I was thinking about the day we met. About how embarrassing it was.”

Jake chuckled. “I noticed.”

“Oi! You could have told me I had something on my face.”

“Yeah and then it would have been awkward for me. I don’t think so.”

“I’m sure you laughed your ass off after.”

“I didn’t. I’m a professional.”

Adam rolled his eyes. He liked that story though, it helped him remember that being carefree wasn’t always a bad thing.

***

When they parked down Jake’s building, it was dark.

They’d ridden back to the farm, they’d enjoyed a cup of tea for Adam, a coffee for Jake and they had started to drive back. Night had fallen on the way. They hadn’t talked much on the way back. The noise of the rain on the windshield and the regular movements of the windscreen wipers had almost lulled Adam to sleep. He felt empty as if all he knew, all his questions and doubts and certainties had disappeared with the rain and he had never felt more liberated.

Jake turned off the engine and looked at him. They had dried a bit in the car but Jake still had patches of dried mud on his face and arms. His clothes were probably ruined but he had never looked hotter. Adam swallowed. Chris had never been so desirable.

“Do you wanna come over?” Jake asked, looking outside.

Adam stroked his hair. With the mud and the rain it had a funny consistency so Adam’s fingers moved behind Jake’s ear, caressed it making him lean his face against his palm.

“Does that mean yes?”

“Shut up.”

Jake bared his teeth and went out of the car. Adam followed him in the stairs to the third and last floor. Jake’s place was tidy, tidier than Adam had expected, furnished in a modern design that he found a bit cold. He looked around, without really daring to move further inside and managing to keep Jake in his eye range at all time.

“Do you wanna have a shower?”

Adam looked down at his dirty, wet clothes. He’d actually kill for a hot shower but wasn’t sure if Jake meant together. Not that Adam would mind. But he’d still prefer to do it alone, for now.

“You can go first,” Jake added. “We’re roughly the same size, I’ll lend you clothes.”

Adam nodded, relieved. No mistake, he still wanted to sleep with Jake but not in the shower, not when he was dirty and frozen in parts that definitely shouldn’t be any of those things. He followed Jake in the bathroom, let him show him where to find clean towels and clothes.

Adam tried not to stay too long under the hot water, no matter how good it felt. He cleaned himself and decided to only rinse his hair - he would give it a good clean at home. It was already embarrassing that Jake had seen it wet. He stepped out the shower, dried himself a bit and wrapped himself into a towel before stepping into Jake’s closet. It felt like he was intruding somehow. Like the rest of his flat, it was perfectly tidied and it only made it even more impressive. Jake had a lot of clothes. Compared to him, Adam’s wardrobe was a disorganised mess of unfolded clothes, abandoned and forgotten. It made him feel bad about himself so he stopped staring like a kid in a candy shop and started to look for something that would fit him.

It took him longer than he thought but he finally settled for a pair of Jeans and a black t-shirt. When he went out of the bathroom, Jake was waiting for him at the kitchen island with a beer. He looked at him from head to foot approvingly. “I wanted to make you tea,” he explained. “But -- I don’t have any.”

“Beer is fine,” Adam said.

“Cool.”

Jake disappeared in the bathroom, leaving Adam alone with his beer. He took advantage of being alone to have a quick look around - if he wanted to unveil Jake’s secrets, this was a good start. He looked in the living room and ended up very disappointed. There was nothing even slightly personal, no photographs, no souvenirs, nothing that didn’t have a purpose. It was like one of those show houses, completely fake. The impression of coldness he’d had felt before came back, stronger. This place felt dead and Adam really hoped it wasn’t a manifestation of what Jake was really like inside.

Adam was drawn to a shelf on the wall and the few books it was carrying. Maybe he would get more luck there. They were psychology books mostly but also two novels. Adam looked closer, curiously. The first one was _1984_ , a classic. Adam smiled pensively as he picked up the book and smelled it. As he was doing so, he looked at the second book - _Middlesex_ , by Eugenides. Adam didn’t know about it. He caressed its spine but didn’t take it. He put _1984_ where he’d found it and moved on to the kitchen. It was open on the living room, only separated by the island. Again, everything was perfectly in place. He didn’t dare snoop around and open cupboards and he already knew that Jake didn’t cook much (he said he didn’t have the time for that) and that he was a vegetarian. That was enough for now.

He heard the water in the bathroom stop running: Jake would be back shortly. Adam decided to leave the kitchen (there was nothing to learn there) and went back to the books. He didn’t pick them up this time, somehow he didn’t want Jake to find him looking inside his books, he didn’t know how he might react. Books were personal or at least they were for Adam because he liked to write in them, notes and thoughts, and those weren’t necessarily things he wanted to share with somebody else.

Jake came out of the bathroom with his hair spiking on his head and joined him. “You’re so predictable.” He looked insistently between Adam and the books to make his point.

Adam pointed around the rest of the room. “Well, you’re not giving me much else.” He ignored Jake’s shrug and brought his attention back to the books. “So. Psychology?”

“What about it?”

“You never told me you studied psychology.”

Jake raised his eyebrows and crossed his arms. “There are many things you don’t know about me.” That was painfully true. And it felt a bit unfair when Jake already knew so much about him. “And for your information, no, I never studied psychology. Not at university anyway.”

Adam narrowed his eyes. “Why psychology? No offense but that’s not the sexiest of subjects.” Maybe Jake had forgotten about his snarky comment about chemistry not being hot but Adam had waited patiently to throw that back to his face. He winked at him.

“Ok, I deserve that.” Jake pointed at Adam. His cheeks had pinked up a bit. “But you can learn a whole lot more in people’s silence than in what they actually say.”

“Non-verbal communication?” Adam asked, pointing at one of the books. “How’s that sexy?”

Jake took a step closer and put his hands on Adam’s hips. Adam felt his heart beat a little faster. Jake brought his face very close as if he were about to kiss him but he just looked at him and proceeded to run his hand down his spine under his t-shirt. “Your pupils are dilated. You have sweat on your back, where I touched you.” Jake’s hand moved from his back to his chest and rested there while he was closing his eyes, focused. He was so close that Adam could smell his soap. “Your heart beats fast.” Jake’s hands came to cup his face and play with his hair and ears. “Now you’re shivering but I don’t think you’re cold. I think you want me.”

Their lips were almost touching now but Adam willed himself very hard not to kiss him. He didn’t want to prove him right. “That’s not psychology.”

“No?”

Adam shook his head, rubbing his nose against Jake’s. “That’s chemistry.”

“Dork.” Jake didn’t give him the opportunity to have the last word. He swooped down on Adam’s lips and kissed him.

***

They ordered a pizza two hours later and ate it in bed in silence, too famished to even speak. And it was ok. Adam didn’t feel awkward, not anymore, and it was actually nice to enjoy the silence, to let the night claim dominion over their world. When they were finished, Jake got up to put the empty cardboard in the trash and came back to lie in bed. Adam sat against the headboard, knowing that if he lied down, he would probably fall asleep. And he didn’t want to sleep now. He wanted to keep looking at Jake, to fix on his retina every detail of his body, all his defaults and the tattoo on his hip, and the light hair on his chest turning darker on his lower stomach. He also wanted to keep thinking about sex, about how he had felt that Jake had been what he’d always dreamt of, ever since he’d masturbated for the first time, imagining what sex with a real man would be. Sleeping with Chris had been ok at best. Adam had never complained because he had lacked references and if there had been any doubts about the break-up, now they were gone. He was definitely over Chris, ready to move on for real.

Adam looked away from Jake with a contented sigh. Just like the rest of the flat, the bedroom was impersonal. It was the epitome of minimalism with just the bed and a side table with one lamp. He knew now that Jake wasn’t dead inside, he wasn’t cold either, so why was his place like this? Adam stared through the window. He could see the night sky but no stars. It was probably still raining. He was about to turn to Jake again when he noticed it, on the window ledge: a picture. Adam narrowed his eyes to see better. It was partly facing the window but he could see it was an old picture, a young-looking woman with auburn hair. Her chin was up and she was looking in the distance with a familiar expression.

“Whatcha lookin at?” Jake asked with a yawn.

Adam turned his head back to him. “The sky.” He reached with his hand to stroke Jake’s hair. “I hadn’t done this in a while,” he said after a moment. “Sleeping with a guy I mean. Not looking at the sky.”

“It didn’t show.”

Adam chuckled. “Liar.” He stretched his legs and Jake rested his head on his thigh.

“How long?” he asked.

“Hmm-” Adam started to think, counting in his head. “Six months? Seven?”

“That’s when you broke up with your boyfriend?”

“No. We actually broke up four months ago. We weren’t that close towards the end.” Adam paused. Not being close was far from the truth. Saying they were strangers was more accurate. Jake didn’t say anything. “I think we both knew it was over long before we actually broke up but neither of us had the guts to do it.”

“How long were you together?”

“Five years.”

Jake looked up at him. “That’s a lot. What happened?”

Adam had had a lot of time to spend on that question. What had happened when they used to love each other so much? “I think we grew out of love. We both changed a lot over the years and in the end, we didn’t have anything in common. Or maybe we didn’t put enough effort in our relationship.”

The feelings hadn’t gone one night, never to come back. It’d been more insidious than that. He hadn’t noticed. Small things had changed, small attentions, details. And when he had realised what had happened, it was too late. It had even been later when he had finally got the courage to do something about it.

“What about you?” Adam asked to change the subject. “Any heavy baggage?”

“No. Nothing like that. I don’t really do relationships.”

Adam stared down at him in disbelief. That had to be the saddest thing he’d heard in a while. “Really? You don’t see yourself growing old with someone? Sharing a life?”

Jake shrugged. He didn’t seem bothered. “I don’t really think about that.”

Adam bit his nail. It wasn’t just romantic relationships, it was more than that. Jake hardly spoke about his family and when he did, it wasn’t anything substantial. Sure, they didn’t know each other that much but Adam had already told him all about his sisters and what they were doing and how they were getting along and ok, maybe Adam was really talkative but there was something more than that. Jake wasn’t the only one to know about non-verbal communication, Adam had noticed the way he had closed up when he had mentioned his father before, the way he was dodging the question when Adam asked about his friends. It might have been accidental the first few times but Adam wasn’t stupid.

“What about her?” he asked, pointing at the picture. He didn’t want to force Jake to open up if he didn’t want to but he needed to have something more than a perfect jawline and layers of mysteries.

Jake followed his finger and as Adam had expected, a shadow passed on his face. He looked away from the picture quickly, settled back on Adam’s thigh, and stared at the ceiling. “She’s my mum.”

Adam bit his lips. There was something in the way this picture was placed - not completely towards the room but not completely towards the outside either. It was peculiar and after having seen how everything in his flat was in its right place, he knew it wasn’t fortuitous. There was meaning there, something to understand. A key, maybe, to open up the wall around Jake. Adam didn’t understand completely but something felt quite clear - it was the only picture in the house. “She died, didn’t she?”

“Yes.”

Adam brushed against Jake’s forehead. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok. It was a long time ago.” Jake’s face was still unreadable and Adam realised it was the same expression his mother had in the picture. “I was three.”

Adam opened his eyes wide. That was the kind of thing that happened to others, no one close though. Not until now. He didn’t know what to do or say. Jake seemed good about it. But could he really? Could anyone ever be good about losing their mother?

“It’s ok,” Jake repeated. “I don’t even remember her.”

And yet, he kept her picture in his bedroom.

“It’s horrible.” And it was a horrible thing to say. A horrible thing to live. But Jake just shrugged it off, like it was nothing. “So your dad raised you and your brother?”

Jake rubbed his eyes. “Yeah.” He paused and Adam thought he would stop there but he took a deep breath, as if he were about to jump into the ocean. “He wasn’t really good at it, though. He was a strong believer of the manly-man bullshit so we weren’t allowed to be sad or scared, or anything that wasn’t manly while he drowned his own grief and inaptitude in booze.”

“That sucks.”

“Yeah.” Jake laughed bitterly. “We don’t talk anymore.”

“Is it because you’re gay?”

Of course, it was. Being gay wasn’t very manly, was it? Not for this kind of people anyway. Adam had another definition of what being a man really entailed and he’d been lucky enough to have open-minded parents. His mother’s reaction when he’d come out had been: _“I already have three daughters, I don’t need a daughter-in-law.”_ She had been a big fan of Chris and had probably been the most heartbroken to know that they had broken up. Adam actually suspected that she was still in contact with him and trying to fix them up.

“I was always a huge disappointment,” Jake answered.

“I’m so sorry this happened to you.” That felt like the worst thing he could have said, but Adam didn’t know what else to do.

“It wasn’t all bad. He never mistreated us and he always provided for us.”

“Yeah, that still doesn’t justify treating your children this way.”

“What would you know about that?” Jake’s tone was harsh, his expression stern. Of course, Adam wouldn’t know anything about anything like that, and maybe he should have thought before speaking, but he still couldn’t understand how parents could be anything but loving.

“Shit,” Jake said before Adam had the time to apologise. “I didn’t mean to be harsh with you. It’s not your fault.”

Adam stroked his cheek, to make him understand without words, that no, he didn’t get it, he could never get it, but in this moment, this perfect moment, he had him, even if this wasn’t meant to last.

Jake sat up next to him. He looked briefly at the picture before focusing his attention on Adam again.

“Is it when you decided to be a cop? To try and make things a little bit better?”

“Yeah. But I’m not so sure I do now.”

“Jake, you do something that matters.”

He laughed drily, somehow daring Adam to contradict him. “Punching kids?”

“You made a mistake. You’re human.”

“No, Adam.”Jake shook his head. “I cannot make mistakes like that. I’m a cop, what kind of example do you think I’ve set for this kid, huh? That’s it’s ok to be violent with those you’re supposed to protect? That punching a guy is the solution?”

Adam smiled, despite himself. He felt that he could fall in love with this man. With his stubbornness and his convictions and his flaws. It was way too early for that and he didn’t even know if he wanted to keep seeing him in the long term but at that moment, he knew that there might be a future for them if the universe allowed it. “You’re wrong. About not making mistakes. Everybody makes them and it’s ok, it’s part of being human. And you know what else is part of being human?” Jake didn’t answer. “Fixing them. And that’s what you can teach this kid. Go and see him. Apologise. Tell him what you told me, about being violent never being the solution.”

Adam couldn’t see if what he’d said had found its way into Jake’s head, he didn’t know if he would even give it another thought but he somehow, he trusted him to make the right choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter : Reactions


	5. Reactions

**Chapter 4: Reactions**

_Do something that matters x_

Jake closed the message and shoved his hands in his pockets with his phone. He’d woken up to this message and had spent the whole day not knowing what to do about it.

_Do something that matters_. It seemed so easy for Adam, so natural because he was passionate about everything he did. He had a fresh view on the world and it was something Jake had never had because he’d always been a cynic. But he was inspired to change, to really go the extra mile to make a difference. It wasn’t easy, of course, he’d thought several times today of giving up and carrying on. After all, it was fine for everyone else. He’d sent a kid to the hospital and it was ok. It was just a broken nose. Dave Clarke had even congratulated him because this kid was only a disrespectful piece of shit and that was what had convinced Jake to make the right decision because Dave Clarke was bigoted and ignorant and close-minded and he was the sum of everybody that Jake had had to fight in his life because of who he was. And he would never be like that.

So he’d made his decision - he would do something that mattered, for Jay, for Adam and for himself. He knocked on the door he’d been standing in front of for the last few minutes, his heart beating a little bit faster. He couldn’t believe that he was nervous. He was never nervous. He usually went on with his business, knowing it was the right thing to do. This was new.

An imposing woman with dark hair and a stern expression on her face opened the door just before he was about to knock again. “What’s this about?”

Jake swallowed. “I’d like to see Jay. Is he home?”

“You his mate?” she asked suspiciously, her lips tightening almost dangerously.

“Not exactly. I’ve got a message for him.”

She seemed to think about that, scrutinising Jake as if she could guess his true intentions with a stare. He held his ground, never looking down, but had a hard time at that. He was actually about to give up when she turned inside the house and yelled so loudly it almost made the walls shake. Jake winced and fought the urge to massage his ears.

A moment after, Jake heard someone run down the stairs and the woman disappeared inside, revealing a young man with a badly bruised nose. “Whatcha doin’ here?” Jay asked, taking a step back, obviously ready to run.

Jake raised his hands, palms towards Jay. “I’m here to talk.”

“The people like you don’t have nothin’ to say to the people like me.”

“Maybe,” Jake shrugged. “Will you listen anyway? You’ve got nothing to lose.”

Jay crossed his arms. He wanted to look more at ease but Jake could see the tension in his shoulders and the position of his body, always ready to run. He’d been like him, once upon a time. “Seems to me like I have a lot to lose,” he replied, pointing at his nose. “Maybe today you’ll shoot me.”

“What I did last time should have never happened. It was a mistake and huh-” Jake swallowed. He was hoping he wouldn’t have to finish this sentence but Jay was looking at him expectantly and he remembered Adam’s message. He briefly closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “For that, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have hit you.”

“You come here and you think I’ll accept your apology?” Jay didn’t look so nervous anymore. He narrowed his eyes and raised an eyebrow.

“No. That’s not why I came here.”

“What then? To make yourself feel better?”

Jake scoffed. “Yeah. No, believe me, this does not make me feel any better.” He was doing it for some idiot who had crept into his head and didn’t seem to want to ever leave. It was probably not the best thing to say right now though. “I came because you deserve to be treated with respect.”

Jay remained speechless. Jake couldn’t see if it was because he didn’t know what to say or because he was waiting for him to say something else.

“I’m not asking for anything in return.”

e wasn’t sure whether he should feel good about this. “I’ve got something to give you in return,” he half-smiled as he said this and winked, before turning towards the inside of the house. “Ma! That’s the cop that broke my nose!”

Before Jake had the time to do anything, or think even, the woman was back, more imposing than ever, and her fist was meeting with the right side of his face. He stumbled back, his vision blurred, a throbbing pain hitting his cheekbone. His first instinct was to raise his fists, to defend himself, but he remembered it was just a kid and his mother, and he was better than this. He looked up, disorientated, to see Jay, leaning against the threshold, arms crossed and smiling at him. “Now we’re even, Detective Constable.” Jay gave him a final nod and came back inside with his mother.

***

Later that night, Jake found himself in a pub staring down at a glass of whiskey, wondering about the meaning of life. This seemed to happen more and more often and if he had been in his normal state, he would have started to worry that maybe, he was becoming like his dad. He usually cared, it was actually a fear strong enough to give him a guideline but in that particular evening, this guideline of his felt farther away than ever before. That night, he felt miserable and lonely and hurt, and booze was numbing both his physical and emotional pain.

There hadn’t been any need for him to go to the hospital. It wasn’t the first time he took a blow, it wouldn’t be the last. He had a black eye and a throbbing pain in the right side of his face. Nothing time wouldn’t heal. His ego, on the other hand, was another matter. He’d thought he could make a difference, teach a kid that being violent was never right but in the end, he’d just fooled himself. He blamed Adam. He was the one who’d put this idea in his head, who’d made him believe that he had something to give to that kid, but Adam didn’t live in the same world. Jake also blamed himself, it wasn’t fair to only point the finger at Adam. He’d opened up to this bloke he barely knew, sharing more with him in one night than he’d ever shared with anyone else and this was where it had led him - feeling even worse about himself.

So Jake drank. And to be fair, that seemed right enough. He’d also been ignoring Adam’s texts. He didn’t want to tell him his encounter with Jay had been a complete failure, he didn’t want Adam to think less of him.

Jake finished his first glass and ordered a new one. He would probably be already drunk when Katy Perry deign to join him for their weekly drinking session (she was late and there was nothing he hated more than lack of punctuality which was quite something coming from him). Well, that wouldn’t be the first time.

His phone started to vibrate. He thought it was Adam but Adam was never needy and always gave him time. It was Drew. Jake almost didn’t pick up but he was supposed to have Amy the following Saturday afternoon, so it wasn’t the best time to be a jerk. Adam would tell him to be the better man or some shit. What did he know about anything?

“Hey, Drew.”

“You can’t take Amy on Saturday.”

And hello to you too. When had they stopped being civil to each other? Jake remembered with nostalgia when his brother would look up to him. How things had changed! Jake closed his eyes. He couldn’t say he was surprised - Drew was always finding excuses, no matter how much his brother loved that little girl.

“In fact, me and Sally don’t think you should be alone with her. Ever.”

Ok, so this he wasn’t expecting. He had the horrible feeling that somehow Drew had heard about the Jay incident but he had to know that Jake would never hurt Amy. He told him so, amazed at how calm he was staying. No mistake, he wanted to yell and throw his glass against the wall (instead he was holding to it like a drowning man) but his brain seemed to have processed that getting angry wouldn’t solve anything. On the contrary. This had to be growth.

“That’s not the problem.” It seemed in that moment that Jake’s whole body stopped to function. He knew exactly what his brother was about to say and he couldn’t just believe that they had reached that point yet. Drew couldn’t be so stupid and so mean. That wasn’t the brother he’d seen grow, the one he’d protected against the rest of the world. Jake felt sick. “One of my pals saw you the other night,” Drew continued. “In St James’ park. With a man.”

With Adam. The night they had kissed. How many souls in Manchester? What were the odds of one friend of his dumbass brother seeing them? Close to zero. And that was just his luck.

“Fuck you, Drew.”

“I’m sorry Jake but I don’t want my daughter exposed to that kind of thing.”

Jake laughed dryly. It was either that or screaming because that had to be the most stupid thing he’d ever heard. He took the time to breathe deeply, to keep in mind that getting angry wouldn’t solve anything, on the contrary. His chances of ever seeing Amy again were at stake, he couldn’t just screw everything and start insulting him like he was dying to do. He admired his own calmness.

“I know what kind of men are in this park at night,” Drew added when Jake didn’t answer.

Jake choked on his laugh. Was he really implying that Adam was a prostitute? If he’d been angry before, he was furious now. Drew could insult him as much as he wanted, it had never really bothered Jake, but he couldn’t be so accepting when Adam was concerned. This was interesting, although he didn’t have the time to dwell on it yet.

“His name is Adam,” he started to say, very slowly. “And I think it’d be way more beneficial for Amy to be -- what did you say? Exposed? Yeah, to be exposed to Adam than to spend even one minute with a dickhead who has no respect for his wife.”

Maybe not the best choice of words. But even if he would pay it later, it did feel good.

“Fuck you, Jake.” Drew hanged up. Jake remained a minute staring at his phone before finishing his drink straight up and ordering another one. He would definitely be drunk before Katy Perry got here.

_I’m seeing Amy on Saturday whether you want it or not. Not giving up on her._

He pressed send and didn’t even bother to read Drew’s sour response. Instead, he realised that his own bitterness at Adam had somehow vanished (his brain was probably too busy to be mad at Drew to dwell on Adam) and that he didn’t want to give him the silent treatment anymore. Adam didn’t deserve it.

_Today was a shitty day. I don’t want to talk about it_

Jake put his phone next to his glass, took a sip while checking for an answer from Adam. It didn’t come. Maybe he’d been too cold. And he realised that Adam would probably imagine that he didn’t want to see him again now that they had slept together. He drank half of his glass and called him. At least there was one person he could still make things right with.

“Did you get my message?” Just as he was saying this, Jake realised that he hadn’t even said hello. Rudeness was apparently a family trait. “Sorry. Hi.”

“Hi.” He heard Adam chuckled on the other side of the line. He didn’t sound mad, which was a relief somehow. “And yes, I did get it. I was about to answer. Did you miss me so much that you couldn’t even wait five minutes?”

He could almost hear the smile on Adam’s mouth. He sounded very pleased with himself and it only made Jake pout. He didn’t like the idea that maybe, yes, he did miss him a little bit. But it was probably just the alcohol. “You wish.”

Adam laughed a little bit harder and it just melted Jake’s anger and frustration Nothing had felt so easy. “I’m sorry you’ve had a bad day,” Adam said. He didn’t sound amused anymore, just truthfully concerned.

Jake shrugged before remembering that Adam couldn’t actually see him. He decided not to answer him because he didn’t want to think about this anymore and asked instead: “How was yours?”

“I’m like _a lot_ behind in my work. I’m sure you’re proud of yourself.”

Jake grinned. That sounded like he had accomplished his mission. “I don’t see what you’re talking about.”

He could only imagine Adam rolling his eyes but that seemed like a sensible assumption.

“Anyways,” Adam said. “Take all the time you need. I’ll need you on your best behaviour next time.”

Jake raised an eyebrow. “I’m intrigued.”

“I bet you are.”

Jake was ready to use all his resources to make him talk and reveal his plans but he saw Katy Perry finally come into the pub. He was almost not happy to see her because he kind of wanted to keep talking to Adam but she’d already seen him. He sighed and walked away to finish his call in private, ignoring her dark stare. He would pay for that later but he was looking forward to it.

“Adam, I’ll have to leave you now. I’m meeting with a friend. But I’ll let you know when I can see you. I might have to work evenings this week, so -”

“Yeah, no probs. Have fun tonight.”

“I’ll see you baby.”

Jake hung up before he had the time to think about what he’d said. Baby. _Baby_. He wasn’t a pet name kind of person and definitely not one to call anyone baby. Of all names. And he hadn’t even meant it in a romantic kind of way more in a casual, messing around way. But he was sure that Adam would overthink it and he couldn’t help but smile fondly, imagining him right now, staring at his phone in bewilderment, silently mouthing the word. And finally, Jake decided that baby wasn’t so bad after all.

***

Drew and Sally lived in the suburbs, in a small house with a little front garden. It was everything Jake knew he would never have and to be fair, he wasn’t sure how he felt about this.

As a child and even as a teenager, he’d dreamt to have a normal family, in a normal house. That was all he had wanted - be like the other boys at school. But his life had been far from being normal. He had always felt that he was out of sync with the rest of the world, like he was here with everyone else but at the same time, invisible; like he could see them but they couldn’t see him, because they had something he hadn’t. That had allowed him to learn a lot - he understood how people worked, he understood instincts and violence, and he had also understood he wasn’t like them. Not just because he was invisible but because they didn’t have anything in common. He didn’t care about popularity, he didn’t care about friends and girls. He cared about Drew, about protecting him, and most importantly, he cared about getting out of this house.

When his father had thrown him out of the house, Jake had been sixteen. He was gay, he was homeless, he was a mess without a future, he would never get a normal life. It would already be a miracle if he survived the street. He had. He’d found the Shelter, he’d found Katy Perry, his first true friend, and he’d also found out that he didn’t want to be like anyone else. He was different, he had to be if he didn’t want to end up like his father.

But every time he visited Drew, every time he stood in front of this house, in front of everything he didn’t want, he couldn’t help but be jealous. Because Drew had it all - the great job in the city, the wife, the daughter, the beautiful house. He had everything Jake would never have and it’d been so easy for him, all he had had to do had been to exist and let Jake take care of everything else. Maybe Jake deserved this too but instead, he had a not so rewarding job, a cold flat, and the total amount of one friend.

And Adam. He didn’t really know yet where Adam stood in all this but he knew he was important. And Jake began to wish he was more like him. He wanted his certainties, his passion, he wanted to be like him and not be completely clueless every time something new hit him.

Jake crossed the unkempt garden and rang the doorbell. He did have something Adam didn’t have, something he would never give up - his stubbornness, and it was telling him he would see Amy, just like it had been planned and there was nothing Drew could do to stop him. He was ready to stay on this doorstep as long as it took, he had nowhere else to be. Drew opened the door and slammed it shut when he saw it was his brother. Jake rolled his eyes and began banging at the door, tirelessly. Drew knew he could go on like this for hours, he was bound to open the door sooner or later.

It was Sally who caved. “Amy’s napping! You’ll wake her,” she said as she opened the door. Jake took this opportunity to allow himself inside. He heard her sigh as she softly closed the door behind him.

Drew was leaning against the living room door, arms crossed, expressionless. “Go away. We’re busy.”

“Well, I’m not leaving until I’ve seen her so -” Jake crossed his arms as well and looked at his brother dead in the eye. They stared at each other for a long time. It reminded Jake of all those times he’d had to talk his dumbass brother out of doing something stupid. Drew would usually cave but it had been a long time ago when he still had had some respect for his brother. Now, he wouldn’t look down, and Jake finally sighed and looked away. “Why are you doing this?”

Drew sighed annoyingly. “You know why.”

No, there was something else. Drew had known a long time about his brother’s sexuality. He’d never been thrilled about it, he’d never been accepting and he’d made sneaky little comments that drove Jake mad, but Jake had always suspected that it wasn’t the full extent of it.

“No. My being gay is just an excuse for you to be an asshole. But that’s all it is, that’s all it’s always been. An excuse to cover what’s really bothering you.”

“You think you’re so smart,” Drew spat and Jake knew he had hit something sensitive. So he was right.

“No, I know you.”

Drew scoffed and looked away. “You’re not her father, Jake.” He paused. His voice had been soft like he was finally showing something true. “She’ll never be your daughter, so let it go now.”

Jake took a step closer, his eyes open wide in surprise. Jealousy. That was all it was, what had destroyed their relationship. “Do you feel threatened by me?” Drew didn’t reply but the answer was clear. “You think she’ll love me more than she loves you.”

He felt Sally behind him. He had forgotten about her but she must have taken a step closer towards him because he had goosebumps on his neck. But unlike Drew, he didn’t feel threatened. It was just instinct. Survival.

“That’s not the point and you know it.”

But it was totally the point. Jake moved forwards and tried to push past him. He didn’t want to fight but he would if he had to. “Maybe you should start asking yourself why she wants to spend more time with me than with you.”

Drew was taller and stronger. He had no problem blocking the way and when Jake kept trying to push him out of his way, he grabbed his wrists to hold him into place. “I forbid you to see her and I swear to God, if you keep harassing us, I’ll file a complaint against you.”

Threats had never worked on Jake, Drew should have known that. He kept trying to push him with his shoulders while wiggling his wrists to free them, which to be honest didn’t do much except hurt. “You do that and I’ll make sure you lose everything.”

“Jake.” It was Sally’s soft, weak voice. “Please.” He hadn’t seen her come near them but when she put her hand on his shoulder with so much fear in her eyes, he knew he had to let go. So he stopped fighting and Drew freed his wrists.

He took a step back and stared at her, looking on her face for something that would tell him he was making the right decision. There was nothing but he trusted her - Sally was a good mother, Amy would be safe with her. “Drew’s right,” she said. “Amy’s not your daughter and I think you should leave us alone now.”

She was pleading, not with her voice, but with her eyes, and at this moment, something passed between them - an understanding, a promise. Jake nodded at her imperceptibly and looked back at his brother, massaging his wrists without even noticing it.

“Get out of my house now,” Drew spat and for once, Jake did as he was told.

Drew had won this time but Jake was convinced that it wasn’t over. He wasn’t giving up on Amy, no matter what it would take.

***

Jake was late. He didn’t even want to check the time, he didn’t need to to know that Adam was bound to start being pissed about it. But it wasn’t his fault. It’d been raining cats and dogs since the morning and he’d had to spend most of his day outdoors. He’d finished his shift soaked and cold and had had to go back home to have a shower and change before joining Adam at the university. Jake wasn’t convinced about the place. He didn’t have the best of memories there, not because he’d been a student (he was already amazed to have passed his A-Levels) but he’d been here a lot during his probation, especially on Thursday nights to unwillingly play hide and seek with drunk students who would wake up the next morning in a drunk tank. Jake wondered if he had ever arrested Adam on one of those nights.

He was supposed to meet him in the hall of Building C, in the science aisle. Now, Jake had found Buildings A, B, and D but there was no sign whatsoever of Building C. Typical. Jake looked around desperately, just in case it would have appeared out of nowhere while he wasn’t looking, and decided to ask his way to a group of girls. They explained that Building C was at the back of Building A, agreed that it didn’t make much sense, and left him to find his way. When Jake finally arrived, he was more than half an hour late. He had a surge of guilt when he saw Adam, waiting for him at the foot of a huge marble stair. But he didn’t look mad when he saw him arrive, he got up and joined him, not smiling with his mouth but with his eyes.

“I got lost,” Jake explained. That wasn’t the whole truth but he decided it was better for his image to stick to this.

Adam waved dismissively. “No worries.”

“So, where are you taking me?”

Adam had been more than vague about his plans for this date. He’d just told him to be prepared to have his mind blown which had taunted Jake for days. But it had also made him realise that he was dying to see him again, not just because he was teased, but because he liked spending time with him, even if it was only hanging out in the most obscure building of the university.

Jake still didn’t understand why he’d told him so much and to be fair, he still didn’t like it very much, but some time away from him and his encounter with his brother had shown him that he cared about him, probably more than he was ready to accept.

Adam tried to smile mysteriously, or at least, that’s what Jake made of his twisted grin. “My workplace.”

Jake followed him up the marble stair, to the second floor. They walked several corridors until they stopped in front of a white, depressing door. Adam entered a code on the keypad and the door buzzed open. They were in what looked like a kitchen, with sinks and tubes and cupboards and Jake guessed it was a lab. Adam’s lab. He suddenly felt hot.

While he was assessing his environment, Adam had put his white coat on and Jake started to imagine him without anything underneath. He’d have to tell him about that at some point.

“My turn to show you that work can be fun too.”

Jake didn’t dare to step in more but from what he could see, they had some really cool gear. Not that he would know about it but his old school definitely didn’t have any of those expensive-looking shining machines.

“Are we gonna make anything explode?” he asked with a huge grin. He suddenly felt like a child again.

“You know that’s not really the point of chemistry?”

“Ya boring.”

Adam’s only answer was to throw him a pair of protective glasses and a white coat which Jake proceeded to put on without question. After the obligatory tour of the place, Adam stopped in front of a giant test tube with a mischievous light in his eyes.

“You ready to see some cool stuff?”

“Yep.”

“You don’t have heart problems? Scared of fire or loud sounds?”

“Nope.” That actually sounded quite ominous and Jake wasn’t sure if Adam was serious or if he was pulling his leg.

“So you see that test tube,” Adam started. “ It’s filled with nitrous oxide. Better known as laughing gas.”

“Like at the dentist?”

Adam nodded proudly.

“And what’s this?” Jake asked, pointing at a clear substance at the bottom of the tube.

“It’s water.” Adam took a smaller tube and brandished it under Jake’s nose. “So that’s carbon disulfide. It’s very flammable and very hot, so I’ll pour it in there very quickly.”

He poured in the bigger tube quickly. It now smelled terrible in there and Jake briefly wondered if it was normal but Adam didn’t seem to worry. In fact, he looked rather pleased with himself which kind of suited him. Jake pinched his nose and tried not to think too much about it. Adam closed the tube again and began to swing it slowly. “So now, I’m gonna mix the water with the carbon disulfide so it’ll become vapour.”

After a few seconds, he put the tube back on its holder and gave Jake some kind of weird-looking gun. “Now I’ll open the tube and you’ll ignite that.”

Jake wasn’t an expert but was it safe to ignite a very flammable substance? He gave a worried looked at Adam who nodded in response and decided to trust him. After all, he was the nerd there. He made sure his glasses were still in place and assumed position.

“It’ll be loud and impressive. You ready?”

No, not really. But he also kind of wanted to know what was going to happen so he nodded solemnly and when Adam opened the tube, he pulled the trigger, ready for almost anything.

It was very quick. A big beautiful blue flame appeared at the top of the tube and went down before disappearing only milliseconds after with a loud bang. Jake yelled in surprise and took several steps back, his heart getting crazy in his chest, his legs weak and ready to give up any moment. And while Jake was still recovering from the shock, Adam was laughing softly and coming towards him and Jake didn’t even have the heart to be mad at him because this guy was probably the coolest bloke he’d ever met.

“Are you ok?” Adam wasn’t laughing anymore but he was still grinning like a kid on Christmas morning.

“Yeah- Yeah.” Jake would probably be deaf now and his heart would probably never recover but apart from that, he was fine.

“So, chemistry is not hot, huh?”

Yeah, Jake wouldn’t go as far as saying that chemistry was hot (not in that sense anyway) but it was pretty cool, and seeing the pride of Adam’s face was definitely sexy. “I know you are.”

Adam blushed. “Cheesy.”

“I don’t care.”

Jake took a few steps forward to kiss Adam’s stupid smirk off his face. He felt Adam’s fingers in his hair and abandoned himself to his touch, allowing the fact that he had missed him, to become part of him. Everything felt so much simpler when Adam was touching him, when he was kissing him, when all his attention was bent toward him. For a few blessed minutes, Jake wasn’t a mess anymore. He pushed Adam against a workbench and left his lips to kiss his jawline all the way to his ear and his neck. He bit it, gently, until one of them inadvertently lost control of his arm and knocked a test tube down, spilling down a weird red substance. Jake could have easily freaked out but Adam seemed ok about it, so he tried to keep at bay all the ominous scenarios that had come to his mind in these last five seconds and which included poisoning, fire, and explosion.

“Maybe we shouldn’t do that here,” Adam said, pushing him gently away when he was finished kissing him.

“Is that safe?” Jake asked finally, pointing at the small red puddle.

“It’s water,” Adam laughed. “With some colouring. Don’t think we leave dangerous substances hanging around.”

Jake shrugged. That actually made sense but he wasn’t going to admit it. Adam cleaned the water and cleared the mess while Jake was looking around, careful not to touch anything. There was a shelf at the back of the lab, full of folders and papers, divided into several zones. One of those zones had Adam’s name. Jake looked closely. There were mostly books about chemistry and the sun and other stuff that made no sense to him, and several folders: experiments reports, instructions, and the last one, the biggest, without a name.

“What’s this?”

Adam rinsed the sponge he’d used to clean and joined him. “Notes on my work. I really should organise that thing but it just keeps growing bigger.”

“Your work on the sun’s particles?”

Adam looked so happy that Jake didn’t regret googling up stuff about the sun during his lunch break.

“Any progress on that?”

Adam winced. “It’s a bit difficult. We can only make suppositions because we can’t recreate the exact same environment in a lab. It’s a bit frustrating.”

“And going to the ISS would help?”

“Yes! The ESA is working on installing some really good tech with deadass sensors to observe the effect of the sun’s particles live. Ish. It’s really not that simple. But that’s the gist. I’m really hoping to be able to work on that one day. It’s probably like the most exciting thing ever.”

Jake didn’t have the heart to tell him that he didn’t know what the hell the ESA was but he made a mental note to check that on the Internet. Maybe he should start taking notes if he didn’t want to look like such an idiot in front of Adam.

He raised an eyebrow playfully. He needed to stir the conversation on something he was more comfortable with. “I thought _I_ was the most exciting thing ever.”

“Sorry but you’re only second.”

Ouch. Jake made another mental note to rub that in his face later, most likely in bed.

Adam winked at him before going back towards the tubes. “You wanna see more cool experiments?”

At that, the kid in Jake woke up again and his only answer was to put back his protective glasses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never been to Manchester, so all the places I mention are not meant to be real. 
> 
> Next chapter: The mugging

**Author's Note:**

> Hmmm... hmmm 
> 
> This story will pretty much cover ten years of relationship, heartbreaks, and achievements. It's not finished but I've got pretty much two-third of it ready (ish) (17 chapters out of 24-25) so I should be able to update quite regularly while I write the last chapters. This is probably the longest thing I've ever written and my most ambitious project, and this story is very important to me for a lot of reasons, so I hope at least someone likes it.  
> Also, I'm not an English speaker so please forgive any grammar aberrations and my limited vocabulary.


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